Tomorrow at 10am is Our Little Spirit Birds first birthday. Im not sure how I feel, or what I should be feeling but disbelief is one emotion. Disbelief that instead of organising a balloon release at Cronulla Beach tomorrow with Tony and Xavier, we should have been organising a party with friends and family with balloons for decorations, while admiring Summers giggles and curiosity at the candles being lit and the icing on the cake. Disbelief that at 5pm today, a year ago, I was being induced surrounded by my mum and Tony, knowing that all my pain, labour and endurance for the next 17 hours would only produce a silent and sleeping child. A child that would never respond to my touch or voice, grab our finger or share her eye colour with us. A child that we would never hear her first glorious cry of life. A child that has wings instead of a heartbeat. Disbelief that it has been a year. A whole year. A year that seems to have passed in a blink of an eye, yet like time itself has lost track of time and dragged its feet. A year of pain, of self pity, of learning. Learning that people can be cruel and that I can be ostracised for the simple fact that Im a symbol of pity and grief and loss, and that doesnt make people happy, therefore its just easier not to be invited. Learning also that people dont know what to say, and often say the wrong thing and understanding that many people are unexpectedly cruel when you try to move on, or in the complete opposite direction of being cruel when you havent got over it within a reasonable amount of time. Its also been a year where there have been ups and downs. Thoes glorifying few weeks knowing I was pregnant again, yet then the devastation after having to hear once again that my baby has no heartbeat, and my body still believing I was pregnant right up until my proceedure. Its been a year Id rather forget but will never forget it because it has taght me so much, help me achieved even more but mostly because I achieved my life long dream of having a little boy, and a little girl and having a family. She is my inspiration. My everything. Tomorrow will be filled with photos, videos, and memories. I make no excuses for them in order for you to feel more comfortable about it. Tomorrow I will celebrate my daughters birthday and I will celebrate because I had her for 36 weeks next to my heart and thats the closest you can ever be with your child.
Posted on: Mon, 07 Jul 2014 22:53:12 +0000
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