Untitled By: April Grisham Sitting here on my knees In my bedroom floor Screaming, crying, praying I cant do this anymore! Ive always put my recovery first Strived to help another But I just cant understand Why this is happening to my brother He is such a man of faith Has lived his entire life to bring God glory And me, on the other hand Now thats a different story Ive made horrible choices And didnt really care Yet my brother has to suffer How is that fair?? I know life isnt fair sometimes And some things arent meant to understand I know God has allowed this for a reason And this is part of His perfect plan I know acceptance is the answer Ive read each & every book Ive worked the 12 Steps Ive done what it took But still I am human I am allowed to feel For if I dont express it I can never heal People that want to judge me And even call me names For being a human in need Well, they should be ashamed I wish it were me Instead of my brother I surely deserve it But Jackson needs his mother And people that attack me For thinking I dont have a disease Need to walk in my shoes right now Until then, just shut up please I try every day to help people Even during this hard time So give me a freaking break Feeling this way isnt a crime I am sick of people saying Its easy to talk the talk Implying thats all I do When I assure you I walk the walk! I was taught early in recovery To share whats on my heart So why is it when I do that I get ripped apart? To those of you with compassion Thank you so very much It really means a lot to me My heart is truly touched To those of you judging my recovery That do not know me or my story Another little thing Ive learned Is to take your own inventory I am extremely exhausted right now My heart is torn into My brother is suffering And theres nothing I can do Im trying to be there for him Be strong for my family Be a single mom I have no money Could it be worse? Of course! It always can! But that doesnt take the pain away Or change the circumstance I understand the concern of relapse But I am not going to use For me, thats not an option The devil is going to LOSE! Right now Im just heartbroken And that is perfectly okay Right now I feel defeated But tomorrow is another day The enemy is really after me Attacking from every side I just needed to share my feelings Im not trying to hide I am not throwing a pity party Or being a drama queen I am just feeling what I need to Which is part of being clean The key is to not stay stuck And that is not my intent But if I keep it bottled up THAT will begin my descent Allowing myself to be vulnerable Is extremely crucial for ME Being able to open up Is important for MY recovery There is not just one way to recover What works for me may not work for you Whats important is the fact we ARE clean And we help each other through Acceptance is key, yes But LOVE & tolerance is our code For if we didnt have those things The Fellowship would implode So please forgive me for being human No! I take that back! I owe no apologies For admitting my lack For in my weakness, He is strong So I know Ill be okay Im not sure exactly when But it wont be today I know the Word of God And He works all things out for good The situation is just hard right now And I wish I understood The devil is a liar This I know is true Its just hard to watch my brother struggle And not know what to do Giving up is not an option For me or my brother I dont know when it will happen But I know WE WILL RECOVER! Its just hard to walk through it Were out in the crashing waves But I know we will not perish Because our God is One that saves! So, before you start to judge someone And speak words before you think Take a walk in their shoes Life can change in a blink There is nothing wrong with feelings Even Jesus wept I was just expressing mine And for ME, it helped Thanks to all who have encouraged us Please continue to pray Right now our hearts are broken But we will not be led astray We stand firm in our faith And rebuke this spirit of cancer! No matter what anyone says! We know Jesus is the answer! But on days like this When were broken & afraid We dont need any judgment We just need to know you prayed We know God is Healer His promises we believe But it is both normal & healthy To cry, be sad, & grieve I love you all very much I hope that much yall know Right now Im just not okay But from this, I know Ill grow Thank you for your prayers And know Ill make it through But sometimes even the strongest people Need to be helped, too
Posted on: Tue, 16 Sep 2014 03:26:32 +0000
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