Update...of sorts. Chemo nurse called me today and gave me some preliminary information. I will have to wait until my oncologist returns next week to know how he wants to move forward. She told me that there are two nodules that they have been watching have, indeed, grown since my last scan. However, the growth is quite small. She said the doctor may say that he now wants a PET scan, may want to simply watch them for longer, or may start chemotherapy treatment. Well, I guess the good news, in any case, is that if it is a return of cancer, it is still small - and therefore, perhaps, easier to nip it now. She felt this was a good result - although she could not rule out that it has recurred. Ill have to await the doctors return for his input. She did tell me he has been forwarded my results, even though he is away. So, the waiting continues. Im numb (emotionally, that is). My head is grateful that there are no large tumors. My emotional state is another story...and I guess thats to be expected. At any rate, it is my reality at this time. I am going to adjust, to move forward and be positive, no matter what. It is strange. Even though I have been here before, my reactions are different than I would expect. Im not in fear with racing heart, etc. - but I am deeply affected. I was having trouble discerning what I am feeling today - how to label it. It now occurs to me that it is like grieving; in fact, someone mentioned that to me today, which affirmed what I was thinking. I am still in the first stage of grief, where the reality is just unreal and it is hard to accept (denial?? Although I dont actively deny anything...it is just hard to wrap my head around it). Regardless of the outcome, this is an ever-present threat. Obviously, I cannot predict how I will feel about it each time; which surprises me a bit. For me, I tend to react more strongly in the early stages of whatever difficulty I am dealing with. Generally, by the time I have to take the actual steps for whatever it is, I am fine and able to handle it. My hardest time is just before the steps I need to take begin...in other words, where I am now. Im sure that, if the fight is to ramp up at this time, I will be fully ready to step up to the plate. For the short term today, I am a bit disconnected, a bit befuddled, if you will. I know it wont continue, but for now, I just have to go with it and accept it for what it is. Guess Id better not try to make any important decisions tonight!! Anyway, thanks for listening to me, for caring and praying. If chemo is to start again, I will handle it just fine. Ill let you know. Thanks again for the love you send! It means everything!
Posted on: Tue, 30 Sep 2014 22:32:31 +0000
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