Warning: this is pretty long. If you have any negative thing to say, at least wait until I post a shit talking status... I dont need your Debbie downer comments on this. ☺️ also, my thoughts get jumbled and messy. Please excuse my lack if flow. 😂 Ive been having a hard time with a lot of things lately. Trying to find my happiness in a sort of way. As I lay here beside Stefan, and he rubs my face while he falls back to sleep Ive figured something out.... No matter how bad of a day Ive had, he always makes it better. I love coming home from a weekend of work and seeing all the new things he learned while I was gone. It seriously amazes me. I can see the love he has for me through those big beautiful eyes and that toothless smile. Lol the loss of sleep, Ive pretty much gotten use too so thats only an issue when I hit the 40 hour mark. Ive come to terms that everything will eventually get better. That things have to fall into place before you can see what is suppose to be. Every day is hard, some more than others. But Im seriously determined to pull myself out of this slump Ive been in for the past 5 months. Cody has tried to help pull me up, but you cant help someone that doesnt want to be helped. Poor Serena... Shes so tired. Poor Serena.. Shes losing her mind. Poor this poor that. Im really tired of feeling sorry for myself. And if it wasnt for Vanessa, Id really hate to see what sort of shape Id be in. Lol Having a baby is soo hard, and you never truly realize just what goes into raising a child until you have one of your own. It frightens me to think that I dont just have 18 yrs of this. Its a lifetime job. A lifetime of worrying, fighting, leading.... Things are never the same after you look at the positive pregnancy test. And I think thats part of my problem. Ive been waiting for old things to come back. Like my sleep, or my ability to just go whatever, whenever. (Shoot, it takes me at least 3 hours to get me and Stefan ready for a doc appt. lol ) But Im perfectly fine with that now. All the sleepless nights, the time spent not being able to just spend time with Cody, the friends lost, the crazy post partum depression... Everything is worth being able to lay here, while Stefan rubs his hand over my cheeks. Its worth every poopy diaper, every slobbered kiss, every beautiful smile, every tickled laugh, and its even worth the all night scream sessions. Ill eventually come out of this slump, and soon enough Ill be happy to wake up again. Until then, Im not going to take for granted the little things that do make me happy. Ill laugh and play with Stefan. Cuddle with Cody. And text Vanessa 10 thousand times a day(maybe even get in a visit or two). Everything else isnt as important to me anymore...
Posted on: Mon, 31 Mar 2014 13:24:15 +0000