Was watching a documentary about American poverty- my god it covered Boardwalk Boulevard in New Jersey- and I felt really insecure because of the feeling that I should be like those people who are perfectly fine and white educated anglo people and I wouldn’t stand a chance as a lazy and nearly old fellow. What am I doing I thought I am damn lucky I thought and must quit complaining about this little racist place where I have spent all my money and borrowed money. I told myself get back to your Writing, finish it. Then suddenly and very contradictorily a thought came up I must be true to myself no matter how long it will take. It is not the market. Not the readers. But the characters and north Korean people and my understanding of their lives. For a year when I was aiming at that little pity award that I ended up getting I had stopped thinking about them. I only thought about how to make up. I only thought about how I was going to finish and how it would be received by others. A lot of different others. What a shame. And no wonder I am doubting myself more these days.
Posted on: Sat, 26 Oct 2013 13:24:10 +0000
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