We need to have some kind of universally agreed upon period for the introduction of technology. After which the gizmo and its operation may no longer be considered new or requiring of instruction in any form and we can just assume that each and every human being knows how to operate one right out of the womb (the human, not the device, out of the womb I mean - because that would be an entirely different conversation). Take the fridge. How many of you dont know how to work a refrigerator? No, seriously. How many of you cant operate a refrigerator? Oh, sure, if you were to take one apart, youd discover that it is a complex machine powered by arcane and unfathomable forces (I dont want to frighten you, but all the moving parts are hot, its powered by LIGHTNING! So, where does the cold come from? Huh? You cant explain that. It probably involves UFOs or wood from Noahs Ark but I dont want to get all theoretical physics with you people) ... and yet any child anywhere in the world knows immediately how to operate one. American, Russian, Asian, Bangladesh, it doesnt matter who makes it, it only does one thing. It only works one way. The basic design was standardized millennia ago, recent additions such as ice dispensers and internet access and cat washers are just window dressing. Put any human being in front of one and they immediately reach up, grab the handle, open the door, and stare with a rapt expression into its magical and enchanting interior. The process is imprinted on our genetic code. Now, imagine if every single time you needed something from the fridge you had to sit through an instructional lecture. Every single time. No matter how many millions of times youve opened a refrigerator door, no matter that youve done it awake, asleep, blind drunk, dog sick, naked, together and alone, EVERY SINGLE TIME, EVERY SINGLE GODDAMNED TIME, you had to listen to: Hello! Youre standing in front of a 22 cubic foot Samsung side-by-side combination refrigerator/freezer with integrated cat-stretcher! Press 1 for ice cubes, Press 2 for cat squeezing, Press 3 to speak to a random employee, OR at the tone, you may open the door and peer into the frosty majestic interior. After youve selected your chilled food/drink product, you may close the door or continue to stand in front of it until your spouse comes along to make yet another sarcastic remark about the electric bill and air-conditioning the whole state ... ... ... wait for it ... ... ... waaaaaiiiit for it...... BEEP! Show of hands, how many of you people DONT know how to use voice mail? How many of you actually have to be told At the tone, please leave a message ... when youre done talking, you may hang up or stay on the line for further options! Is this a problem? Is it really? Are there hundreds of people out there stranded on the phone, trapped by voicemail? Do we have, like, SWAT rescue teams who parachute in to save these people? Youre going to be okay, maam! Stay calm. Im Captain Herothighs from the Virginia National Guard. Were going to use a small demolition charge to cut power to your phone, then Sergeant Thunderbrow will use the jaws-O-life to pry open your fingers. Then well have three seconds to get clear before the reactor overloads. Plenty of time, plenty of time... If by now, if by the second decade of the 21st Century, you people dont know that YOU CAN JUST HANG THE HELL UP when youre done talking, if you dont know THAT without being instructed every single goddamned time, well then you, sir, are holding up human progress. YOU are the reason we dont have colonies on the moon and personal jet packs and robot cats with artificially increased intelligence. Just get in the sack with the mastodon and those people who still use Windows ME. Just ... Dread Cthulhu youre sucking the life out of me GODDAMNIT! What? Okay, I spend a lot of time talking to voicemail. THIS is the kind of stuff I think about while waiting for the beep.
Posted on: Fri, 25 Apr 2014 19:56:46 +0000
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