Well ok this will be long and i hope some of yall have a open mind and some little understanding here.First and foremost ,remember none of us is perfect and we all are differant.I hope i get through this without offending someone.Well here it goes.(again please if your a true friend of mine on here-would you please read all. I will not go through all my past but,its been like alot filled with ups and downs,I have had and this will come to a shock but,I have been filled with hatred and done some things i am very very NOT proud of.The hatred comes upon my father and i have also had some serious issues with my mom as well that has left me a very very bitter person.I have always tried to look at some good in others when it was me that i hated the most.Over years alot has happened and i wanted to blame others,then when things didnt go good i used the blame game .I will say that before i knew some of you on here -I was going through some issues with my surgeries and It meant alot to me to have a few to write me and say -hey how are you,How is your day going?Now these are the ones that most wouldnt give time of day to and try to get me to walk away from when in honesty-they were there.It hurts to have my own family and personal friends(and yes i will hurt feelings here-but,i know the true ones indeed-oh and you for sure know who you are)-I have had these certain ones just cause they dont have that thing around their neck,meant the world to me.This is why I walked away from certain ones.Now I turned to alky for years for a crutch and it got me nowhere.Then in turn one day me and dee was on the urge of losing it all and it was to easy to turn my beliefs into a NON belief and went else where seeking and what did i get-I actually got people at that time who cared for me and this meant the world-so it was easy for me to take the steps that took me down a road that I will NOT forget some things i have learned that people has made lies about and stand behind pulpits to get into peoples pockets when they were blind to some.(I say tear the cover off the book and do NOT judge)-I will Never forget what i have learned and who was there when i needed not physical work but, just a note and to betrue to that note. Now I have had some issues in the last few months with meds being screwed up and with issues out of my control that has had me ups and downs again.Some understood when others didnt-I know when i had the stake being pounded in my heart as to say. Like i said before I am NO fool and i sure aint blind. Now I have hid things and tried to cover it but,some know where i stood-now i was not a true as i have been called a devil worshiper due,to the FACTS not fiction and lies that some has portrayed.Trust me when i say this-the ones who called upon me and wrote me to see how i was almost on a daily basis-well a 15 sec phone call or just a wrord written here goes along way. Now before all jumps the wagon,just keep your skirts on for a second or two. These last month i have done some serious issue and been fighting things in my head wondering if they really was a god after even my grandbaby was born.I still in a way carried the doubt.-Well-my legs as alot of you know got in bad shape and i am still not out of the woods yet but,im not where i was at.I have done some thinking and yes i will be honest-i am scared.I dont know what tomorrow holds anymore.I will say I have never met god or the devil- and i will say i have not been to heaven but,i can say i have been through hell-but,aint we all.-I have some sweet friends on here from ALL walks and beliefs and Will NOT walk away from them nomatter what-EVER(if it cost me my soul as to say).Now I know some of you i have talked with about my physical,mental and yes spiritual issues.I have tried a few places to try to go to church and do better but,something still wasnt sitting quite right and i thought i had it covered at a few-well i didnt.I still as of two weeks ago(I begged and pleaded and called and did what i could do to get a few answers that took a elderly lady tonight less that 30 seconds to answer-It was my hatred and bitterness that made me this way and i used it towards others wrongly and this i apologize for)=I set here last night pounding my head to where was it when i was a child did i lose it and -I realized,i never lost it-it was there the whole time still .It was me that was lost.(how come i think of joe dirt here?lolo).I went back to a little old church house where it may have maybe 8-20 people there and they are all older and they dont need music and they still pull the old hymn books out and they are the most sweetest people ever and NO they dont need fancy tv screens and electronics either-there is nothing wrong with it but,this is where i dont feel like a number-.Here now is where i feel like i am wanted from day one this morning.These people are human like me and if it was not for them,id be in trouble.Now I will not now or ever argue religion-I just had to go back to my roots as a child where i was when i was around 8-10 or so.-I dont care if its 1 god,three gods,1 baptism or 5-I have to deal with me and me only and as for right now,I have had 50lbs lifted from me tonight.Am i a christian-No-i have along way to go-but,its a start.Yes i still like my rock music and i still may make mistakes but,again I am human and I dont see the words -God written on anyone to judge.I can only answer for me-so I am asking please understand I am like i said-HUMAN and I will make mistakes-I Do not have any answers that are perfect.Right now i felt some of yall needed answers for whats been happening -so I felt as your friend to explain it..I dont need anyone to like this or reply to it.-Just have some patience with me but,main thing i want all to remember-It only takes a few to be real honest and be true.-Dont be one way with me one day and be nice to me to my face and then when i turn around you insert the knife back in my back again.BeTrue.Thank yall for taking time and reading this.Kenny
Posted on: Mon, 06 Oct 2014 02:38:39 +0000
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