What a shitty day for a shitty week so far. My supposed mentor is power tripping me and making the possible so that I dont notice the crappy work they are descending to. The boss who supposedly was grooming me apparently does not want to receive my progress reports or hear from me even when he was the one inquiring my mentor about how I was doing so far. I got screamed at once again by my mom when I was giving them advice and direction about setting up a consultancy just like last time. So many subconsciously pettily defensive and insecure professionals around me that their misguided ego is suffocating me. Funny how her last resort is always rubbing on my face having to raise me and educate me, you know, the burden of having children. No wonder I felt so undesired since I can remember, and probably since then. Since I am laying my heart here with all my scars and dirty laundry, why not let it all out lest I collapse crying? Probably would explain a bit why I am such an angsty person who is so insecure and mellow deep inside. Hell, all my baby pictures are me frowning, not kidding. Most of my oldest memories are about me crying for some reason or another. Back then I was still verbally and physically punished for being a kid, so much I would be so carefully skittish I would actually stumble over what I was doing... Earning another well deserved reward. That was meanwhile they rubbed to my youthful face how fortunate I was to not being on the streets, which was harsh but true. I would literally get blamed for things even when I was not there, or if my younger sister tattled on something I fictitiously did. My younger sister sure was vicious back then. I had always been the kid who got blamed and punished for everything while indirectly complaining about, you know, providing things you were supposed to provide for your own kids. I remember being this timid kid who never talked to anyone back in first grade. I believed I was also bullied and had my food or little bit of pocket money back when I used to go to school. I remember learning to write with broken lead of pencils since I either had none, or had it stolen. I was too afraid to ask for another one since I would get nagged and punished about it. I also remember learning to write in very small ugly letters due to it and because I had to crap two or three lines in the space of one because I had the same notebook for multiple subjects. You know how kids are curious and want to touch everything and whatnot? Well, from the point I can remember I was too timid and had this dread to even try. They would pinch or hit my hands for things like that long before I can remember, my elder relatives such as cousins confirm it so. Hell, even my parents mentioned it at some point. It was so bad that I would duck,cower and hold my head it a defensive pleading posture just when my dad would try to rub my head or make any similar movements. Maybe that is why they went the opposite way with my sisters, the princesses and you gets kids back in their youth. Funny how I still, am the disappointing prototype lab rat, the faulty batch. Yet an investment to yield profit yet. i know it wounds excessively harsh compared to my usual posts, so much most of you would find it unbelievable it simply not believe it. I could care less, to be honest. I just want it out in this journal so I can look back at it and just in case my confidante sees it. Now you who are burdened with reading the tip of the iceberg of how broken I am. I dont want your sympathy really. I pity myself well enough, thank you very much. What I want is for you to genuinely think twice about the responsibilities and duties a parent would ever have towards their offspring. If you cannot provide for them financially, psychologically and emotionally, then please refrain from bringing them to a miserable existence. Dont make another four year old philosophize about their own lives and feel guilty enough about being an utter disappointment for the rest of their lives.
Posted on: Thu, 21 Aug 2014 03:48:59 +0000
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