What would you do if you were in the following situation? I was sitting in the driver’s seat of my Mini van (yeah I roll cool!) outside the Agana Post office with the Aircon blasting listening to Louise Muna on the Kat while my wife Erica was in checking our mail. That little military voice in my head engaged in the following conversation: (inner dialogue left hemisphere of brain )- “hey pay attention here! Movement on the perimeter!” (inner dialogue right hemisphere of brain )- “Huh? What do you mean movement on the perimeter?” (inner dialogue left hemisphere of brain )- “right there dude!” I am a trained observer so for me it is just a reflex to notice things that the average person tends to ignore or just glance over due to a particular object being camouflaged. After squinting my eyes I first noticed beer cans on the grass in front of the post office spread out equidistant. I’m sure the beer cans were laid out in the shape of something creative and festive by some homeless guy but instead to me their pattern resembled the way perimeter guards in Vietnam placed empty beer cans on constatina wire to act as a make shift audio alarm to indicate the presence of Vietcong sappers. Any would be saboteur who tried to crawl under the obstacles on their belly would brush up against the constatina wire which then made the cans hit each other making a noise that alerted the guards who then yelled, “GOOKS IN THE WIRE!” I was thinking this exact thought when my squinted eyes discerned the outline of one of the cans break up ever so slightly. There was movement where there shouldn’t be movement! A few seconds later the outline of the next can broke up, then the next can in succession moving from the direction of the new museum on my right towards the entrance to the main desk of the post office on my left. Let me note here that in the past 7 years at this exact same vantage point my trained eyes have observed: a monster sized Azu zu (Coconut Land crab), 5 foot long tree snake, a 3 foot long Banana Rat, a 2 foot long spotted monitor lizard and an 8 inch Chameleon all of which were so perfectly camouflaged by mother nature that people walking by did not notice what the heck it was I was looking at. I consciously ignored every other input to my brain and looked even harder and noticed the grass moving causing a distortion of colors that resembled Predator moving on the tree right next to Arnold Schwarzenegger (in the movie of the same name). This was about the time that my wife Erica came out of the Post office carrying some package she had just picked up at the desk. She was of course paying less attention to where she was walking and more to her smart phone as she updated her facebook status as she be bopped right past a…holy bejezus the unknown object scurried out from it’s place of almost perfect concealment onto the sidewalk behind Erica as she walked towards me. Like the scene in the movie where the Predator comes out of the water and turns off it’s cloaking device the unknown object instantaneously revealed itself! (inner dialogue left hemisphere of brain )- “Dude! Look behind Erica! That’s a freaking Ko’ Ko’ bird!!!” (inner dialogue right hemisphere of brain )- “ No way man! That’s impossible! Thanks to the Brown Tree Snake introduced in the 1950’s the Ko Ko’ birds are all extinct in the wild” (inner dialogue left hemisphere of brain )- “Then Mr Smarty Pants how do you explain the Ko’ Ko’ bird standing behind Erica????!!!” (inner dialogue right hemisphere of brain )- “ Good point! Perhaps you should call your buddy John Bagaforo and he can get one of the GPD patrol cars to transport the bird to the Endangered Species section of the Department of Agriculture where more than likely it escaped from” (inner dialogue left hemisphere of brain )- “ Yeah I’m sure that 911 call would go over well! You know they record those conversations! Besides there is no time for that, look at all the dangerous construction and Tourist traffic around here if you wait that endangered Ko’ Ko’ is really going to become extinct in the wild. Why don’t you just capture it yourself!!” With that decision in mind I jumped out of my Van and right into the path of an oncoming Bus. As the bus slammed on it’s breaks I pondered the merits of saving a bird over saving myself. Oblivious to my plight the Ko’ Ko’ bird ran- in a manner resembling an 8 inch tall Brown Emu- from under the car, where it was unsuccessfully hiding, diagonally across the street in the direction of the Band Stand in the Plaza De España. When my heart restarted following almost being run over by the bus I gave chase to the little bird. Meanwhile my wife, who had no earthly idea what the heck I was doing only saw the part where my big dagan ran across the street hunched forward with both arms outstretched like…well like some fool who was trying to catch a runaway chicken which is essentially what I was trying to do. If you’ve ever performed this task you will confirm the notion that there is no dignified way to do it other than hunched over with two outstretched arms. It is by no means an easy task to perform. As a doctor I might add that this is not a natural position for the human form to assume for extended periods while running so by the time my funky chicken dance style walk had succeeded in cornering the Ko’ Ko’ bird in an alcove behind the Gov Guam Administration building my back was screaming in pain. Victory! Ko’ Ko’ you will live to remain endangered another day! Perhaps if you are lucky they might add you to the population of Coco’s island or even Bush Gardens in Wild kingdom in Tampa Florida! Ever so carefully I scooped up the bird and was walking back to the van- Erica was sitting in her seat by this time when she saw me holding the little bird. Erica- What the heck is that? Me- It’s an endangered Ko’ Ko’ bird! They are extinct in the wild! I rescued it so it wouldn’t get run over by a vehicle or eaten by a snake or cat! Erica- That’s nice and very civic minded of you hun but what the heck do you plan to do with it now? Me- I’ll drive it up the hill to my cousin Mark Cruz he is the director at EPA I’m sure he will know what to do! Erica- The hell you say! There is no way you are bringing that thing in the van with my kids! Who is going to hold it? Me- You hold it while I drive! Erica- I’m not holding that damn thing it’s a wild animal you don’t know where it’s been! Who knows what’s wrong with it? It might be insane! Me- You’re being dramatic hun. Besides It’s an endangered species! You’ll be doing the world a favor by saving it’s life! Erica- You’re going to be the endangered species if you bring that thing here! That’s the Agana Precinct across the street over there why don’t you walk it over there? The Ko’ Ko’ bird turned his beak and looked at me with it’s two beady little eyes as if to say,” Dummy I could have figured that solution out and I only have a bird brain! ” Then he began to shake his head back and forth as if in frustration trying to tell me something else I was too stupid to understand. I walked into the Agana precinct with bird in hand and right up to the desk Sergeant. Me- Sarge I’m sure you’ve seen a lot of weird things walk through these doors but can you help me here? I have this rare endangered bird that I am trying to save! The desk Sergeant a friend of mine whom obviously has seen it all over the years looks up from his paperwork and smiles. Desk Sergeant- Doc I have some bad news for you! My heart sank as I pondered the possible ramifications of a law I was unaware of but was currently unintentionally violating,” Hunting without a permit! Wearing White after Labor day!” who knows? Me- Sarge I am willing to take my punishment if it means saving this tiny endangered Ko’ko’ bird from extinction! Desk Sergeant- Doc that’s not a Ko’ Ko’ bird it’s a Ka’ Ka’ bird! I thought he was putting me on the way John Bagaforo does to make me laugh because to the best of my knowledge Ka Ka is the thing my 2 year old son is currently in the process of trying to put in the bowl in lieu of his underwear. Me- Sarge your trying to say that this is a Ka Ka bird not a Ko’ Ko’ bird? Desk Sergeant- Yes it is not an extinct Ko’ Ko’ bird from the wild it is a common Ka’ Ka’ bird as in common as a chicken! By the way doc I think that common as a chicken bird just kakaed in your hand! The Ka’ Ka’ looked at me as if to say, “see I told you I wasn’t the guy!”
Posted on: Thu, 20 Nov 2014 08:52:08 +0000
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