When Nature gives you the finger. Possum Stewed. So there I was, innocently abusing a friend on Facebook when a knock on my door forced me to get up and see who could be here this time of night. I opened the door and saw the evil, half-nosed possum of Huntingdon County....sneeringly attacking my garbage. I gazed into his beady little eyes and gave him my hard look. It didnt work so I yelled and he sauntered off without as much as a glance in my direction. WEll, I thought, Thats over. Back to Facebook, and some mind numbing Freecell, as I let the days stresses drain away. I had no sooner thought of a funny comment to use as a Status when out on the deck there arose such a clatter.....that I sprang from my chair to see what was the matter. (I wrote that - down) In my socks and shorts....a t-shirt that touted the merits of Fender Guitars I once again opened the door to see that ravenous, almost TOO UGLY example of the opossum family, once again tearing the garbage to shreds. This time he was on a mission....to destroy my trash and eat any leftovers he could find. (Who knew possums liked a low carb, low sugar diet?)..... The rain was coming down as the 40 degree temperatures made me regret the shorts...and socks...and t-shirt....and I faced the demonic beast in his element. I quickly slipped on the wet deck, falling down 4 steps to the level below, making a somewhat ARRRGH sound, my eyes large, my mouth gaping in an attempt to lull the beast into a false sense of security while I made my plans to eliminate him once and for all. Soaked, bruised, cold, dirty and for some reason in a poor mood, i slipped and sloshed my way to the destroyed trash bags and Good Lord, I know i didnt cook THAT....as the horrid beast gaped in amusement, not afraid of me in any way.....I gasped out, At least PLAY possum, you idiot. ...but he wouldnt... he bared his teeth and advanced on me, perhaps envisioning a hot meal. I grabbed a shovel and broom, which I had cleverly placed on the deck, remembering last weeks garbage attack....and walked toward the torn bags....the strewn trash....the....(hey the possum wont move)......and shook the broom and shovel...to no avail....The freaking beast looked at me with a condescending glare....and sat on its haunches to watch the festivities. I went in the house...got 2 fresh trash bags and went back out... still in my soaked socks...shorts and t shirt.....(I mean what was the use of changing at this point?)....and found the possum perched on his prized trash.... GET BEHIND ME POSSUM! ...I yelled, hoping religious references would frighten the little bas...er the little beast, but he just looked at me like I was an idiot...and at this point I was inclined to agree with him. He sat in the grass, waiting as I shoveled and broomed and GAG...picked up the trash and put it into the new bags...and as soon as I finished, he walked off, glancing back with a possum-y sneer..... So, soaked, filthy, cold and decidedly unhappy with the world at large, I went back inside....to the shower and let hot water rain upon my person, as I looked over my skinned shin....my bruised knee....my scraped elbow......(those burn in soap and hot water, by the way)...and shivered a while, talking to myself about the unfair world I live in.... Afterward, dry and changed into clean clothes... I brewed a hot cup of coffee and sat in my favorite chair a minute, and fell asleep only awakened by a loud noise outside. Taking a swig of my now-cold coffee I bravely fell out of my chair, whacking my chin on the side table, knocking it and my coffee on the floor....Fortunately I was already on the floor so It was handy for me to clean it up....and went to the door....my lip quivering....my eyes bugging....and opened it....to see the evil denizen of possum-hell gleefully tearing the fresh bags into little plastic strips, fun for a whole possum family.... ....Im gonna need an old priest and a young priest..... If you liked this true story about this truly odd human being try the book, Scalded Daddy Parts available on Amazon and my website, jeffleeper/
Posted on: Tue, 11 Nov 2014 16:06:28 +0000
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