Whenever I sent distress mails to the Buddha master, the replies would be invariably ended,carrying the signature shloka- "Buddham sharanam Gachhaami Buddham Dhammam Gachhaami Buddham Sangham Gachhaami" I always connected immediately to the first part of this shloka but the other two would leave me in an utter state of confusion & disarray,no matter how hard I tried decoding them to the best of my ability. The reason being that I could immediately connect to my master in the very first meeting but the rest would stalk me like a demon does in a dream like state where the unreal often appears more real than reality....... I tightly clutched on to the belief that I had the right to met out sessions to people in need of help, only when I became a complete perfectionist....hence this perfection virus had completely taken me my storm stalking my entire life journey till date little realising that perfection can only be achieved through practice and only practice can make a man perfect" hence I simply toppled in my Dhamma practice till I decided otherwise....... The third part being the most difficult to incorporate as I had been completely stifled by past life experiences and current life issues all along where mistrust and abandonment had been a few of my primary issues, very painful and difficult to deal with...... This had completely turned me into a one woman team whereby I have always over pressured myself in all areas of activity with the perfection virus overriding my words, thoughts and deeds all time, hence the joy of undertaking and fulfilling a task was fully lost even before the responsibility was thrust on me with deep anxiety lurking over my head till the job was well accomplished to my satisfaction robbing me of all my mental peace. Trusting someone with all my heart has been the most challenging tasks of all as through deep observation and past experiences, I always bumped into people who took their jobs too casually as if just to kill their time and make a fast buck in the process. Hence the Sangha factor was completely missing in my life...... Now with the Spiritual journey meandering into more mature realisations, changes in my energy body and crumbing of my limited beliefs bit by bit, I feel more at ease and have a selective handful few to thank for some very healthy exchanges that are happening spontaneously, taking me through deep experiential self explorative journeys where I am unlearning what I believed to be true and rediscovering & shovelling out all that I never knew ever existed within me. I have my Buddha Master, my Sangha & my Dhamma to thank time and again to make the impossible I M POSSIBLE in me........MAHALO to each one who accept me, those who still reject me and those few for whom I act as a great trigger, as one who has found acceptance for herself in her own eyes & in those unconditional Universal eyes need not waste precious time finding acceptance in others.........
Posted on: Tue, 01 Oct 2013 07:55:23 +0000
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