Why I am not married I am not married yet. No its not because I have high expectations, its because I expect very little from the partner because I saw thats all I could expect. I saw a relationship based on love and lots of fear, a relationship of shouting and both being unable to meet what the other person needed. I was asked to come back from the dorm in my final year because my parents could not talk to each other without me in the home. It repeated itself later with the relationship between my brother and my sister-in-law. I am afraid of being in such a relationship. I forget that most of my parents 38 years of marriage was happy I only am traumatized by the negative affect that as a child I saw and internalized in my emotional systems. Infecting my thoughts and beliefs. I saw marriage as a danger and as a prison. I remember pretending to be asleep in the mornings as a child rather than bounce out of bed cos there would be shouting in the living room and I was too afraid to come out. I hid. Inside. I hide inside now too. I do not allow myself to show my innerworld until I am super duper sure you are the one I want to share that with. So I have many many friends but you will not get a chance to know me deeply. I apologise. I want to let you in but I am not currently ready. I am getting ready. I am helpless. Yet I stay strong cos I didnt see how being vulnerable would help when the partner was so self-absorbed that they could not help the other even though they loved them. Did my father love my mum and us. No doubt in my mind at all. Was he full of demons of the past that drove him to drink and smoke? Yes. I saw daily his struggle to be the good man I knew he was and the man he thought he was in his head or the voices of a demanding grandfather and grandmother whose love seemed distant and whose favoritism made dad feel worthless. Dad came from a very well to do family but all they did was fight over the money. Sibling brought sibling to court. Why am I not married? Do I want to - Yes. Do I know how to attract a man? Yes. Do I know how to relate with him to love him.. I probably have to learn but I am sure I can. Cos I love to love. I am made to love - as are you. We are loving making machines - hence babies pop out. But seriously we love endlessly effortless and we enjoy it. The challenge is not the loving. The challenge is the expectations I have for the other person to love me - the way I want to be love and the way I can feel safe. But thats my inner journey and I wanted to share that with you. I have been realising when I am crying or authentic as I journal some of you say it helps you. So if I can show you my innerworld and it helps - I am glad. Cos I do love you even though I hide. Know that ok? Be gentle with comments ... no judgement if possible... just love.
Posted on: Wed, 08 Oct 2014 09:56:44 +0000
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