Writing fanfiction is like navigating a minefield. Me: Okay, guys, don’t go that way, we’re going this way. Sam: But this is the path everyone takes. There aren’t as many mines left. We might actually make it through unscathed! It’s safer this way! Me: Exactly. That’s why we’re not going that way. Now come on! *Leads them farther up the field, stops infront of an area no one has crossed before* Kara: You…want us to cross here. Me: Yes, here. Kara: Here, where no one has ever gone before. Me: That’s kinda the point. Kara: No one’s been here before us though. All these mines are active! You’re crazy! Me: What part of ‘that is the point’ is so confusing? And thank you. Sam: Yeah, I’m gonna have to go with Kara on this one. You’re insane. Me: Thank you again. Now, go! *points to minefield* *The sound of explosions is audible in the background* Kara: Look! Look at that! *Points back the way we came, where people on the other side are cheering and celebrating* That person just got across safely! Why can’t we go over there? Me: Because that defeats the purpose! Now! Go! Sam: No way! This is too dangerous. Me: Well, it’s not like you’ll be by yourselves! Adama and Lee and Leoben and Tigh and Jean and Cottle and Gaeta and Roslin and a bunch of others will be with you to help! So, even if you get your leg blown off— Gaeta: Wait, what? Who’s getting their leg blown off? Me: No one, that’s the point! Kara: I thought the point was to have us walk through a minefield. Me: No, that’s just the metaphor. Jean: Sam, if this is somehow your fault, I will slap you again. Sam: Well I didn’t do anything! I swear! Me: Jean, there’s no need to slap him, except for NOT LISTENING TO ME, he’s not being an idiot this time. Jean: Well, can I slap him anyway? I’m still angry at him. Me: Sure, as long as Kara doesn’t mind you beating up her husband. Jean: Kara, you mind if I slap some sense into my oh so fearless leader? Kara: Nope. Sam: Kara! *Hides behind her* Jean: Did I say fearless? I mean fearless like a lion that’s afraid of a mouse. Me: Wait, you guys have lions? What, did you have a zookeeper in the fleet? Roslin: Would someone care to explain to me what exactly is going on here? Me: No. That would irreversibly destroy the fourth wall. Tigh: Frakking Toasters, what the hell are they playing at bringing us here? Me: Hey! No racist epitaphs in my presence! It’s rude. And hilarious. Adama: Starbuck! Sitrep! Kara: I’ve got no idea. This girl *jerks her thumb at me* Says she’s God…? Anyway, she’s frakking insane. She wants us to walk across this minefield, even though everyone else is crossing all the way over there *Points in the direction we came from, where people are helping eachother across and barely stepping on any mines* Me: Would you rather I refer to YOU as God? Kara: Yes, actually, I would. Me: Okay, God. But I’m still the Author, so, you all do as I say. Lee: What the frak is going on? Leoben: Oh. Well, this is interesting. I see we’ve stepped out of the stream entirely… Shadowy Figure: No, I rather think we’ve become the stream itself. Sam: Wait, don’t I know you? Shadowy Figure: We haven’t met. Sam: Yeah, but you said that last time we met. Shadowy Figure: We haven’t met. Well, okay, fine. What’s your name then? Shadowy Figure: We haven’t met. Sam: Is that all you can say? Shadowy Figure: Yes. Sam: Are you serious? Me: No, *Conjures a giant black dog* he’s Sirius. Padfoot: Woof…? Me: *Claps hands and he disappears* Kara: Okay, this is getting frakking insane. Who the frak are you? Me: I told you, I’m God. Kara: No, I’m God. Me: Well, no, I’m God, you just call yourself God. But I’m the real God. Kara: Look, I don’t care! Just send us back to wherever we were before you brought us here! Me: Do you even remember where you were? I’d think you’d like it better here. *Elbows Leoben* Leoben: Ow! What was that for? Kara: You want us to walk across a field of mines! Why would I want to be here? Me: Well I’m not the one that’s obsessed with clouds, don’t ask me. Kara: What are you talking about? Clouds? What? Me: Nothing, don’t worry about it. Leoben: We’ve crossed so far out of the original stream that old paths lay forgotten and new ones forged in the wake of a single decision made in anger and sorrow and the need for vengeance, and a secret that remains untold. Me: What he said. Cottle: Alright! That’s it! *We all turn to look at him* Cottle: Who took my cigarettes?? *Glares at everyone* Me: Oh, you mean these? *Holding up box of cigarettes* These things kill your lungs. *Tosses box into minefield* You’re a doctor, you should know better. Shame on you! Cottle: NO! *Jumps after them* Me: Ooh, look! A volunteer! So! Who’s next? *Crickets chirping and incredulous glares* Me: Okay, fine! We’ll do this the hard way. *Grabs Kara and tosses her into the minefield, jumps back as everyone rushes to save her* *Left standing with Leoben watching the others scramble to make their way to safety* Leoben: Well. That was interesting. Me: *Turning to him with arms crossed* Oh, I’m sorry, did you not get the memo? Leoben: What’s a memo? Me: This is my universe. No one is safe. And that includes you, Mr. Creeper. Leoben: Yes, well we can’t all be heroes. Me: If I have any say in it, there will be no villains either. Now. I don’t think I need to tell you twice. Leoben: As you command, God. I am yours to serve. *Goes to step into the minefield* Me: *grabs his arm* Also, no more doing insane crap in my name. That’s banned as of this moment. Capiche? Leoben: What does capi— Me: *Shoves him into minefield* *Turns into a Duskull and watches as the characters try to navigate the field* Me: Haha, oh, this is so not funny… *A hellhound suddenly appears next to me* Cerberus: What’s not funny? Me: *Giggles evilly* Them. Cerberus: Oh. Right. So, I suppose it’s my turn now? Me: Don’t be silly! You’ve completely destroyed the line between OC and AU, so as your reward for a new record, you’re exempt. Cerberus: Really? Me: Yep. For the most part, anyways. And besides, even if you stepped on a mine, it’s not like anything could actually—oh, no, wait, you know what? Cerberus: What? Me: I just remembered a plot point. Guess you’re going to have to make your run too. Sorry. Cerberus: Okay then. I’ll see you on the other side. Me: Good luck! Oh, and if you ever say that again I’ll toss you out an airlock. Cerberus: But, I thought I was the Bad Wolf? Shouldn’t it be literal? Why can’t I say see you on the other— Me: It’s complicated. Just don’t say it. It’s bad luck. And will give people ideas that are very not good. Go! *Points toward minefield* Cerberus: *Turns back to human form and runs after the others* Me: Finally! Someone that listens to me! Yay! *Claps hands before disappearing into my shadow to visit the other stories*
Posted on: Tue, 11 Jun 2013 03:46:54 +0000
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