Writing from the heart part 2: (Stepping out the boat!) So I last spoke about what kind of Christian do we want to be. A pick and mix one? Well since then I wanted to openly share the recent events of what I have been going through...... Over the last 6 weeks or so I was forced by a friend to go to the doctors as I had not been feeling well for a few months, I went and discussed how I was feeling and they decided to start with some blood tests and then maybe look at being transferred to Lincoln county breast team. Over the next week I had a few cries and I kept justing thinking about the song oceans and how I asked God to take me deeper! Did deeper mean sacrifice of me? Many things go through your mind...what if I dont see my children grow up, who will bring them to church? Nan of course then came into my mind. Will Steve remarry, will they call another lady mummy? Steve better not bury me! I want to be scattered off a mountain top in the snow. Did I remember to tell him that. Then you think did I do something wrong? Like when I lost the baby, was it my fault, did I live too wild and this is my doing? Of course I know its not but you dont think rationally in the moment always. All that kept going through my mind was the more I threw myself at God and just wanted him to use me the more the Devil tried to take hold of my life. And being the very stubborn woman I am I decided to give him a good shouting at in the car on the way home from church one evening! All I kept crying and shouting at him was that he was not going to take my life my family and to get your hands of my husband! I had kinda shared basic details with some closer friends and kept it from most people at this stage as I just didnt really know what was going on. Then a few days later...... At this point I was at the ONE EVENT awaiting the results. They came thru on the Monday we were there and all bloods were clear so they had decided to send me for a mammogram and a scan. That evening I just broke down and cry/prayed and just wept and asked God to change my attitude! Its so easy to tell someone else to not let your circumstances affect your happiness but in the reality when you gotta yet again get out of that boat and really tread the waters its a different matter! I just decided that whatever happens at the tests I felt peace that night and I really felt that God had healed me. And as flaky as it sounds and with the physical examinations the doctors felt the need to send me for them but I really truly felt different that night. I cant explain in words I just felt something different so I decided I was fine to tell people about the tests etc as I knew in my heart of hearts that I was gonna be okay. I thought if it turns out I have breast cancer then I hope they put them back to where they rightfully belong afterwards! Always looking on the brighter side :-) and I just kept thinking as long as someone reads the bible and talks about Jesus if/when I need any treatment then Im gonna be fine. So the day came for hospital and I continued to pray and all I kept thinking was its gonna be fine its gonna be fine and everyone who knew was praying for me in that moment too. And as soon as I hit the ward, I started to well up! Now those of you who know me know I can cry at the drop,of a hat but I was determined! What is it about the smell of hospitals that send your emotions wappy?! Nevertheless I signed in and waited for the uncomfortable tests and I sat and read my 40 days with Jesus book proudly thinking I hope someone asks me about God because I got my armour on now hehe Everyday I just went about my usual business and routine and thanked God for my healing. It cud have been so easy for me to just go down a well and cry and hermit about it all and worry but I chose not to, I chose to trust in him. Its not easy but the moral of this story is that whatever we are going through regardless of what it is then do really trust God because he is the architect, he knows what is gonna happen and he is there carrying you all the way. It may not feel like it in reality but its so true. And make sure you are around positive people who want to raise you up not bring you down or fuel the flames. So since then I have had the amazing results that I have the all clear and do not have cancer. What an awesome God we serve. I knew in my heart of hearts I wud be fine regardless. I have a brain scan and one little test to go through in a few months where I have to be re examined but I feel that it is a formality and I will be just fine. God IS in control of my life health and family and I live him every day. Im not going backwards, Im going forwards holding his hand all the way!!!! Xxxxx
Posted on: Sun, 14 Sep 2014 13:17:19 +0000
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