You know what... I dont care that I post my life on face book ... Im proud of me and if I want to express myself through social media its my God given right to do so.. Im not ashamed of my past its done nothing but help me want to better my life today... Im not perfect I slip and fall more often than not but Im willing to lay it all out on the line.... This passed year has been one of the hardest yet... I nearly died in a hospital bed from a sist on my lung...after all Ive been through that almost took me out... I actually put my heart out there not once but twice only for it to be broken but u know I wouldnt change it for the world... I broke my own heart because all I know is sabotage and thats whats comfortable in my world.. I have had the privilege to get to do some deep deep Soul searching... How many people really get the opportunity to do that... It definitely wasnt on my bucket list of life activities but Im so thankful that I got to analyze my entire life from beginning to present... God has put so many rockstars in my life ...I feel so undeserving of what Ive been given.. I always tend to pick myself apart and by the time Im done i really havent a clue of whats true and false..one thing I know for sure is God has big plans for me and I need to reassess the way Ive been handling life.. Theres just no way Id still be here if I wasnt meant for something more than this... . Ive realized that people come and go and some of them stay if I dont run them off... Love lasts forever... Jesus is the only real true permanent in my life... He stays when everyone else is gone .. I definitely didnt even fathom that concept until this past year... When everything falls apart which for some reason in my life, happens. he is still there .. He never left, not even for a second... Thank God cuZ I know Id be dead if it werent for some supreme being... I have been way up and way down and everywhere in between ... I know that it drives some that are close to me crazy but thats just tough either love me or dont ... Youll be the one that wishes you did something to stay in my life I promise u that!!! I know Im crazy and I know Im all over the map but if you were me and u walked in my shoes you would understand why I am the way I am... Its all just a matter of perspective anyway...Someone once told me its going to take a different breed of male to be able to keep Up with me... This same person went on to say that I need to be constantly stimulated and that whoever I end up with if hes the right one will be one lucky man!!! I have always valued myself through the eyes of someone else therefore I really dont understand my self worth.... I told myself this year will be a year of action ... Everything I have gathered up until this point will do nothing but make me a powerhouse in life... I have more tools than any mechanic i know... Im so ready to let go of the past and just be me for once... Im tired of trying to be someone Im not because thats all Ive ever done... When Ive been broken and beaten down I act like nothing is wrong.... Its crazy to think that I could lie and act like everything is okay and the even crazier thing is that people believe me... The people that know me and dont have self seeking motives know that Im full of it when I pretend to be okay when Im knee deep in quicksand... Thank god for u guys... I dont want to pretend anymore ..Its fake its bogus its crazy!!! Id rather people judge me for me then for whoever Ive been trying to be.. Its like Shawna I and Shawna II takes on the world...I dont know the difference anymore.. Im so over that way of living it has not done a damn thing for me ... Thank you to the people who have stood by me through everything u know who u are theres a handful of u.. When you have been stripped of everything and thats all ur left with which is nothing you really dont care about little things like being tagged in a picture on facebook.. But then again Ive been that way too I was just all about me and getting mine.. I cant live life that way now that Ive seen a glimpse of how good it feels to live the right way...My whole life has been public and as much as it sucked to put everything out there I was rewarded with nothing but love... People actually pulled me aside and cried on my shoulder telling me things like were so proud or we were so worried... And then people go on to share their own experience with me and like it or not everyone in this not so perfect world has an experience.... I always laugh when I see a couple post stuff about each other on face book I dont know if I would like that or not but Ya know I want the option... I want someone to love me through everything no matter what no matter where no matter when and u know the rest ... But I know that I will never truly appreciate or understand someones love for me until I love myself... I from this moment on refuse to have it any other way... I have been really surprised with my last few relationships so surprised that I know I deserve something that feels unattainable... I know that I may sound nuts but its my prerogative and if it offends u then dont be my friend on face space the reason I wrote all of this is because Im sick of faking it im sick of marching to the same stupid tune... We only live once and Im lucky in more than a few ways to still be alive.... And since I blasted myself on fb now I have over 1500 people that I give permission to hold me accountable and to call me out if necessary... I want to truly become a better person I dont want my past to define my future... I have come so far from where I was but I cant seem to break through the wall ... Its holding me hostage.. Im not the person Ive been behaving like lately ... Not one bit.. Ive hurt people but in the end Ive really just hurt myself... Theres a reason for everything and Im a firm believer in that... I also read people way better you would ever believe.. I talk a lot and I say things I shouldnt I tell people stuff about me that they dont need to know but there things I think in my head that never come out of my mouth ... Things that I find out to be true later down the road... Im not stupid nor am I nieve.. Sometimes I wish I was Id be okay with not knowing half of what I do.. I havent been an angel but I deserve to be treated like a queen ... Every girl does... It hurts to be talked down to it hurts to hear things that youve told about yourself being told back to u in a cruel and negative connotation especially when the person thats giving u hell is no better .. .... Anyways... Please if u see me in the store or softball or the gas station or anywhere please make sure Im doing what Ive set out to do if Im not ....well ...u can decide from there...thanks for listening... Goodnight!! I really hope I dont regret this tomorrow... #flusick #104degrees #mindblown #timetodome
Posted on: Tue, 06 Jan 2015 07:29:19 +0000
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