Your attempts to reassure, to be caring and loving might be met with contempt. Because what youre asking when you open your arms and move toward a person whos backed into a corner, is for their trust. And for some people, the thought of that is terrifying. Thats a language they dont understand. Everything is perceived as an attack, and instead of love, they work with control and manipulation. Basically, some people are too hurt or too scared to love. It doesnt mean theres no hope, it just means they have a lot of healing to do, and they either will or they wont get to it. Its not always easy to spot a person who isnt ready to give or receive love. And of course there are people struggling with personality disorders and chemical imbalances; these are real issues. Most of us want to be close to other people; we want that connection even if we dont know what to do with it once weve got it. So you could cross paths with someone who seems like they want to be close. And they probably do. They just dont have the tools that are required for real intimacy yet. And Im not just speaking romantically here. You may forge a friendship with someone and feel very close to them until theres a conflict. And then you might be stunned if your friend turns on you, or pushes you away with no explanation. Fear is a sad but powerful force sometimes. Not everyone can be vulnerable. I think you have to have some frame of reference for feeling safe, or you need to have done a lot of work to heal in order to offer up your tender heart if youve come out of a painful background. Romantically its even more complicated, because you may have been swept away by the beginning. Even a very hurt person is usually able to allow themselves to get caught up in the rush of hormones. So you may have been projecting forward quite a bit only to find yourself slamming into a brick wall with little or no warning. Anyway, my point is, you cant save other people. You cant mend all of someones painful history, and make it better with your love. People have to come to that place where they need to make a change because theyve realized life will be unlivable if they keep going the way they have been. People who come out of trauma may play it out forever. They may run, deny, numb out, move from failed relationship to failed relationship, in order to avoid dealing with what feels like an overwhelming amount of pain. The fear is that facing it will do them in, when the reality is, its the not facing it that does that. But you cannot convince another person of that. Thats inside work. If you get caught up with someone who just cant open to love, you have to save yourself. In order to love yourself well, there are times when you have to love from afar people youd give anything to save. Otherwise youll make yourself sick, trying to reason with a person who doesnt want reason. Some people thrive on drama, its what theyre used to, its what they know. Some people need to be angry, because without that force driving them, without that shield, they think they might die. Some people are itching for a fight, and arent going to stop until they get one. It isnt personal (it isnt about you, or anything lacking in you), but you may end up with some healing of your own to do, and that is personal. And youre also going to want to look at your own participation, so you can understand yourself, and address it if theres something deep within you that believes you dont deserve to be treated with love and kindness.
Posted on: Fri, 24 Jan 2014 00:05:31 +0000
Trending Topics
Recently Viewed Topics
© 2015