dreamt of my late husband....he looked so ill...not happy...withdrawn...wouldnt talk to me...and when I woke up, I knew that I am making the right decisions for me....not as his wife, or with him in mind...but knowing that I am breaking the ties that bind me in memory to the last days of his life...as well as the life we once had together...and I am okay with it....I am going to rebuild...create a life that brings me joy...laughter....and get used to this...being alone....embrace life as it is being presented to me now....I realized this morning, I have been waiting for him...to come into the room....to join me for morning coffee...to sit and chat...to come home again...and each evening I have been disappointed...the memories of his laughter , his voice, his presence all sit in these walls...as well as the memory of his struggle to live ....I have smudged , cleansed...sang the send off song...but now it all sits in my memory...the many scenes that trigger the pain, the suffering, the love... triggers in this home that create an aching...a longing...finally, I no longer want to have one foot in the grave...I want to live....and moving to a place where he and I had never been together will serve the purpose of renewal...strengthening...no triggers, no memories of his presence....I know that I will always have him in my heart, in my mind, as part of my soul ...but it is time to let him go....as I did in my dream when he got into his car...and he, without a word, drove off....
Posted on: Sat, 26 Oct 2013 15:20:38 +0000
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