ever had a feeling theres another meaning for a storm? like angels or passed on relatives weeping for something horrible to come in the near days? Yesterday, those storms felt odd for me, to many bad things going on, niece in surgery, my dog having pain in leg needing xrays bad news everywhere. Got my dog home safe, nothing serous, niece surgery went off without any problems, yet the air, call it paranoia if you wish just felt heavy, sad like foreshadowing something but I started to brush it off. Earlier today, early noon, my mom and I were spending some time together, watching george zimmermans trial, during one of the breaks she had noticed a missed call by my great uncle. I dont know why but I had a bad feeling, maybe my great aunt go worse or they couldnt make it to Iowa this year, a few minutes passed and my fear was replied in full. You know that cry, the sound your folks make when something horrid happens, family passing, someones hurt, missing something bad real bad, not their average sad cry. (dont hate me ma) I know my mom, I knew that cry, my heart sunk and I swallowed hard but did not dare ask... instead I picked up the house phone when it rang, normally I dont, but something said I had to. On the other line, another family member I hadnt talked to in ages asked if mom was there, I heard it in his voice the same sound of grave news, and time slowed, I remember attempting to explain mom was talking to someone, I didnt know what was wrong but it didnt sound good, and he confirmed it. Today we lost one of my familys cherished treasures, my great aunt had passed on. I have memories before most memories of going down to the coralville for family get together, with my grandma, grandpa and mainly my great aunt and uncle. The life of the show so to speak. I lost my grandpa early on, never got to ask him many questions I have today, most memories faded and healed with time. After my last year at prairie middle school and just before my freshmen year, grandma passed, and it struck hard, and deep, my freshmen year would be lonely, and I failed classes as I just didnt care, I had also lost My first dog that year, Chewie to parvo, and didnt learn of it until I returned home from our classes trip to D.C. It took a long time to heal and even today it hurts to think I have trouble remembering her voice I knew so well, and her face. My cousin passed, leaving another hole in my life, but she left me a wonderful friend and family member in Maddy, and her brother one of my best friends we healed together like brothers. But. then my aunt on dads side fallowed and it hurt but I bounced back, then my uncle on my moms side, again, it hurt, but I bounced back. But my great aunt and uncles are huge pillars in my life, losing her not only makes me shudder and hurt but reflect on the good times, which to are fading as my anxiety has taken away from me so many years with close family because of anxiety. I regret not seeing her last year, just as I regret not going to the hospital when my grandma was sick because my fears. But to anyone who might read this, chill, as there is no ill will, and I am definitely not gonna give up on this world, im a big teddy bear at heart, I just needed to vent, and get this off my chest so it dont consume me. SO, if you dont see me up tomorrow morning or noonish its not cus I did something stupid or insane its cus to me, sleeping and cuddling my dog is how I learned to heal or recoop from such a draining day. To much I still want to do, to much I want to game, to many dogs I want to cuddle and pet, and to many family I have yet to meet and of course still hoping to create my own supports someday, maybe a wife a kid or to, so long as I can find anyone that is insane enought to marry me lol. So. yeah... sorry if anyone is bummed by this or upset no ill will or hate or sadness meant just... opening up for once.
Posted on: Wed, 26 Jun 2013 05:55:41 +0000
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