it is so hard to stay positive & continue to spread & spin Helos death to our advantage in the name of change. We are miserable....miserable & guilty when we try & smile when we talk about him, miserable when we remind ourselves he really is gone...that its not just a dream, miserable when we see his beautiful face & can still see it in our parents yard...whether hes checking out the kids, playing soccer, or chasing our truck down the fence line when we leave. Just miserable. I hope & pray hes happy & proud sitting on the lap of an angel, watching us as we struggle to grieve .... knowing he isnt in pain or terror helps a lot though. This is the hardest thing I think Ive ever done....SO many plans & ideas....all in his name. All for the boy we held & love so dear. I cant help but think Id need to be institutionalized if something ever happened to my 2 legged children. Its insane...its raw...and its not healing. I cry like the day he was found all over again all the time....hearing the words on the phone from Jordan Jessica (as she gasped for air)......hes been found.....(insert horrid sobs).....hes not coming home......hes been killed. Its all so raw still. Soldier is not the same dog either....I honestly believe he was with them & escaped somehow. Hes fidgety, aggressive towards other dogs & people now, ( Soldier has ALWAYS been the laid back yard dog), & hes just not right. Our hearts are broken that he is so distrusting & obviously terrorized. May sound crazy but we all know & have noticed his change...hes just not Soldier. We wish & want to open his home up to others that need us but with Soldier being how he is, we arent comfortable. He needs time. We all need time. Maybe the day saying Helos name doesnt stab us in the heart or seeing his beautiful face bring tears to our eyes...maybe that will be the day...but that day seems SO far away .....
Posted on: Sat, 19 Oct 2013 01:31:04 +0000
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