series 2 Diary of BITTER black woman (Part 7) Dear Diary I was reading a book and I came across this quote “Bitterness is like cancer, it eats upon the host. But anger is like fire. It burns it all clean”. Powerful words right? I also felt their effect; it is like they were written personally for me. Words are very powerful. Words can make you happy and words can make you sad. Words can make you laugh and words can make you cry. Words can heal a broken heart and words can wound you very deeply. It all depends how you use them. Just like a person can use fire to cook food, you can also use fire to cook a person. Also words can have a positive or negative effect in a person’s life. I have realized there is power in written words as so much power in spoken words. You do not need a million rand to transform a person’s mood, you only need words. You just need to know how to use them right, guys are good with this one – they can make you believe a lie, they can promise you the moon and the stars – but after getting what they want, leave and pretend as if you never existed. You see you can tell a person that “I love you” “you are beautiful” “you have a good heart” “you are intelligent” or “you are a great person” if he or she believes them, those few simple words can transform his or her life forever. And you can also tell a person “I hate you” “you are ugly” “you such a bad person” “you are stupid” “you will never make it in life” and those few words can destroy a person’s life forever - provided the accept and believe them. So I have concluded that my success and failure is in my mouth. Just as the bible says “the power of life and death is in the tongue” so my happiness is not far from me but a word away That quote had so much effect on me that I decided to call Buhle and I told her that I will go with them to church on Sunday although at first I told them I was not going. The thing is I cannot stand the sight of seeing them together – they make me nauseas. I always wish something bad could happen to them so that they can also feel the pain that I am feeling, but just like the author said “Bitterness is like cancer, it eats upon the host”. I am the one who is suffering the most not them. They do not even seem to be bothered by what this is doing to me; instead they laugh, hug, hold hands and kiss one another in front of me. How can Buhle call herself my friend but be so insensitive? Maybe my biggest mistake was to tell them that I have forgiven them while I know I have not. Do not they know that it takes time for a wound to heal? but again how can it heal if they keep on rubbing salt on it? Some people deserve to burn in hell you know. Maybe going to church might help me. I am tired to live like this; I am tired of crying myself to sleep every night or staying up all night thinking about how I can make them pay back for what they did to me. I think it is about time I accept that me and Lucas we were not meant to be. You cannot loose what is yours, right? If you loose it means it never belonged to you in the first place, neh? Anyway I knew from the first day Lucas asked me out that he did not love me, but because I was too desperate to have someone in my life – I needed someone to love me for who I am and appreciate me the way I am not the way he wants me to be, so I tried to make him love me. Somehow I learnt a hard lesson that you cannot make someone love you. Love is choice not an addiction or habit that can be learnt as time goes by. I remember I use to hear people saying you can learn to love someone even if you do not love him but I discovered that “love is stronger than any addiction” it cannot be learned, love is created by God, not made man. As one writer said “true love is like ghosts, many people talk about it and few have seen it”. I guess I am one of those who have heard a lot about love but I have not seen it yet. I suppose going to church after such a long time would give me a new slate to begin my life on. Bitterness has fed on me too much; I think it is time to put a stop to it.
Posted on: Thu, 06 Jun 2013 15:54:14 +0000
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