-Joe It took awhile to find a decent ocr app to extract this from a pic I made... but, I redid this letter for some that might find it helpful. I wrote this because I have a very hard time trying to explain, with my words, what i feel. Its very hard for me for a couple of reasons. I hurt so bad physically and am so drained that speaking is a task for me. But, worse, I hurt so badly inside because I see your frustration with me. I love you so much and so, want to please you and make you happy with me. I want so much for you to be proud of me as I am of you. My tears cant stop as I write. If I cannot get out of bed later this evening, or even all of tomorrow, it will be because it took everything I have to write to you. I know you love me as much as I do you. That‘s why you tell me to get out more, to exercise more, to change my meds , to take more or take less than I do. I want to so badly, to be like I was when l was little. Those things that are so vital to me, are also, so dangerous to me. Yes, I can die from doing these things that I need and want to do. As bad as it hurts, as dangerous as it is to me, I still do them as much as I can because theyre also good for me. Many times, it‘s just because it‘s what you want of me. You make me smile so much the little things that you do. You might not realize but, behind my smile, I still have pain throughout my body. a fever that takes everything out of me.. I hurt so badly from the very place that that smile even came from. Besides the spasms and upset stomach, my chest pains and my aching head, my heart hurts so much when I see your frustration with me. At the same time, though, I smile. I smile because Im looking at the happy part,- that part of you that says why you do , although you dont understand, but. because you love me enough to push me. I know you dont mean the hurt. It does though. I know its because you love me and want best for me. It just hurts me when I see your frustration as if I dont really want to do something, a look that tells me that Ive let you down in some way. The other day when I walked because you told me to, I hurt so bad but did it anyway. If you had pneumonia for several years , I know you might be able to understand how hard it was to walk around the block that day.. You might understand how much more I hurt inside because of being told to. When i tell you that I cant do something, its because I cant lift myself; my hand or leg. Some of it from my illness, some of it because the hurt that l feel inside. My heart hurts so bad that I feel dead inside, and many times, wish and pray so badly that I was. The sadness that I feel from not being what you want me to be, from not being able to do what you want me to do, for not being as good as you seem to want me to be is so overwhelming and consuming, that it takes life from me. It‘s as if lm dead but alive at the same time. I know it looks like I procrastinate things because I seem able to do them physically at the moment but, what you can‘t see , is inside me at times.. that part keeps me well, or as well as I can be.. It wont let me because it feels like Im going to explode... every molecule in me seems to be in fast motion.. yet fueling the fever I have. When I say I can‘t but seem ok, I still cant.. maybe in a little bit. just not now.. If I dont now, then, Im able to be more of what you want.. maybe I can be more of what I want. Just know how much you mean to me to try, how much you mean to me to want you to look at me as I do you... which is why im writing this.. as my best try, my deepest prayer, for you to understand... I would go on but, I cant,,writing this took everything I had left today.. I am drained... and I cant see anymore... I have to dry my face... thank you for reading... thank you for trying, too.. Please, look at me the way I look at you.
Posted on: Sat, 02 Nov 2013 13:18:49 +0000
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