10 Signs Your Vet Bill Is Going To Require Financing -- The docs thermometer registers in Fahrenheit, Celsius and dollars. -- The bill came with payment coupons. -- Your Doberman just ate the receptionist. -- He has a very rare blood type. Its called $$ Positive. -- He starts talking about extended quality of life, miracles of modern veterinary medicine and joint replacement procedures. You own a goldfish. -- They take away the blood sample on a sterling silver serving tray. -- The sad, pathetic whining in the exam room is coming from the owners. -- You suddenly realize where youve heard that low whistle before: from the plumber and the auto mechanic. -- Do you have any idea how expensive hamster defibrillators are? -- and the #1 Sign Your Veterinary Bill is Going to Require Financing: We can rebuild him. Make him stronger, faster.... If College Students Wrote the Bible * The Last Supper would have been eaten the next morning - cold. * The Ten Commandments would actually be only five; double spaced and written in large font. * A new edition would be published every two years in order to limit reselling. * Forbidden fruit would have been eaten because it wasnt cafeteria food. * Pauls letter to the Romans would become Pauls E-mail to [email protected]. * Reason Cain killed Abel; they were roommates. * Reason why Moses and followers walked the desert for 40 years; they didnt want to ask directions and look like freshmen. * Instead of God creating the world in six days and resting on the seventh, he would have put it off until the night before it was due and then pulled an all-nighter. Draftee Exam A draftee went in for his physical wearing a truss and with a little convincing acting got his papers marked M.E. for Medically Exempt. Afterward a friend borrowed the truss to wear for his physical. At the end of the examination the doctor stamped M.E. on his papers. Does that mean Im medically exempt? he asked. No, answered the doctor. M.E. stands for Middle East. Anyone who can wear a truss upside down can certainly ride a camel. A Rough Night Supposedly this is a true story that happened in College Station, TX. A man goes to a party and has too much to drink. His friends plead with him to let them take him home. He says no -- he only lives less than a mile away About two blocks from party, the police pull him over for weaving and ask him to get out of the car and walk the line. Just as he starts, the police radio blares out a notice of a robbery taking place in a house less than a block away. The police tell the party animal to stay put, they will be right back and they hop a fence and run down the street to the house just a block away. The guy waits and waits and finally decides to drive home. When he gets there, he tells his wife he is going to bed, and to tell anyone who might come looking for him that he has the flu and has been in bed all night A few hours later the police knock on the door. They ask if Mr. Joe B. is there and his wife says yes. They ask to see him and she replies that he is in bed with the flu and has been so all day. The police have his drivers license. They ask to see his car and she asks why. They insist on seeing his car, so she takes them to the garage. She opens the garage door and looks in. There sitting in the garage is the police car, with all its lights still flashing. True story, told by the driver at his first AA meeting in College Station, Texas. Revival Meeting After the revival had concluded, the three pastors were discussing the results with one another. The Methodist minister said, The revival worked out great for us! We gained four new families. The Baptist preacher said, We did better than that! We gained six new families. The Presbyterian pastor said, Well, we did even better than that! We got rid of our ten biggest trouble makers! Honorary Degree A rich Texan walked into the offices of the president of a small Texas college and said, Id like to donate a million dollars tax free to this institution. But theres a condition. I would like to have an honorary degree. The president nodded agreeably, Thats not a problem. We can certainly arrange that! The rich man said, An honorary degree for my *horse*. For your horse??? Yep, you betcha. She carried me for many years and I owe her a lot. Id like her to receive a Tr.D., a Doctor of Transportation. But . . . we cant give a degree to a *horse*! Then Im afraid Ill have to take my million dollars to another educational institution. Well, wait a minute, said the president, seeing the million slip through his fingers, Let me consult with the schools trustees. A hurried trustee meeting was brought to order and the president related the deal and the condition. All of the board reacted with shock and disbelief -- except the oldest trustee. He appeared almost asleep. One trustee snorted, We cant give a *horse* an honorary degree -- no matter HOW much money is involved. The oldest trustee opened his eyes and said, Take the money and give the horse the degree. The president asked, Dont you think that would be a disgrace to us? Of course not, the wise old trustee said. It would be an honor. Itd be the first time we ever gave a degree to an ENTIRE horse. Dieting? For those of you who watch what you eat, heres the final word on nutrition and health. Its a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting medical studies. 1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 4. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
Posted on: Fri, 26 Dec 2014 17:37:28 +0000