Insert 88 Through my journey of life, there were times where I felt like my life has hit rock bottom, there were times where I felt like the Lord has let me down and I doubted his existence and my happiness but today Ive learned that apart from everything that was happening into our lives, ultimately Gods will always find a way to prevail and that Gods blessings comes in different forms and its us who decides the meaning against them, like me marrying uAndile was a blessing, yes a blessing in disguise that led me to my destination. After uBonga had left, Sis Noxie took me to my cell, if there was a time where she took forever to open the gate was today, she fiddled with keys whereas I was anxiously stood next to her, I couldnt wait to get inside and share the news with my cell mates. I asked myself, kodwa ndingayaphi uba ndingasuka kulo Jesu? Eventually Sis Noxie opened the gate. I went inside and jumped into Pariss bed and sat right next to her. I looked at her with a huge smile on my face. Akhona: kwenzekantoni Mama ungathi ayoniks ngoba ndiyakubona ikhona into. I paused for a moment, smiling from ear to ear and I couldnt stop blushing, finally I pulled myself together and said. Me: Yazi akhona for iminyaka ndihamba nalo Thixo wethu kodwa nanamhlanje andimazi, hayi andimazi mna uThixo wethu unjani, yabona this time undibhidile, unendlela nje yokwenza into zakhe, ngexesha nje lakhe elilodwa. I told them everything that had happened between Bonga and I. I noticed that Paris was not as happy and Linda and Akhona, she didnt really showed any emotion. I jumped off her bed and I lie on mine, I watch the ceiling and I realised something, I had never disclosed my status to him. I asked myself will Bonga still want me if I tell him about my status? I cried. The fear of loosing him started creeping in, I became ashamed of my status, I knew deep down I didnt have the strength in me to tell that Im HIV positive, I couldnt. I love him too much and the fear of loosing him overwhelmed me, I thought of the times where he would visit me with uLelethu, how it tortured and broke my heart, I couldnt go through that again, I cant. I started feeling insecure and I hated every bit of it. We had the Word feast, prayed. I lied on my bed staring at the ceiling, my thoughts were all about him, I cried most of the night in disbelieve. I was like a teenager who was in love and every time I think of him my heart skipped and everytime I mentioned his name my face would lit up. I woke up the following day feeling great, we did our daily chores, while we were outside doing the garden I went over to Paris and said. Me: yesterday when I told you about Bonga and I, you didnt seem happy. Paris: No, No Mama Im happy for you God knows I am its just I wanted to ask you privately if youve told him about your status. I went quiet for a moment and shook my head. Me: No I havent, Im scared Paris, Im scared of loosing him. She put the spade which was in her hand and hugged me. Paris: you need to tell him. Me: I know. Paris: look if all of this is of God then nothing will stand in your way of happiness even HIV will not, Bonga loves you, Ive seen how he looks at you so dont jeopardise your relationship by keeping secrets from him. I nodded my head. Paris: his been through so much already, people who have hurt by someone they trust tend to generalise and think that all woman are the same so Mama prove to him that you different and there are still good woman out there, show him you are one of them, start your relationship on a clean slate. Me: thank you Paris. Paris: you welcome Mama. I knew talking to Paris will guard me into the right direction. While we were busy Sis Bandile came to me and said. Sis Bandile: Mama ndithunywe nguMr Baloyi, ebekufuna nje ukubona. I wiped my hands from my clothes and she took me to Mr Baloyis office. Ndafika eofficini kuhleli uMakhulu, Bonga no Mr Baloyi. Makhulu: ndiyazithanda ubonanje ezibiskiti qha ingxaki andiyazi noba ngoku ndiyaziviswa okanye ndiyaziphiwa, ngoba ngoku uToto usilinganisele wasifakela 4 4 kanti ngese wazibeka zonke apha ibesithi ke abazithathelayo yhu lonto mna ubonanje andimfundi umntu okugcagcazelelayo ukutya ade akubale ngoba kaloku isisu somntu asilinganiselwa mabethunana. Mr Baloyi: ubufuna ezinye Makhulu? Makhulu: umntu akabuzwa ubonanje Toto, xa zisekhona yizanazo qha wena ungasilinganiseli Toto ava ngoba awazi ubukhulu kwamathumbu ethu ndikuxelele. Mr Baloyi go t up to fetch more biscuits. I walked in and greeted them I jokely whispered to Makhulus ear and said. Me: yhu Makhulu ayogwibiri ude ungakwazi nozibamba. She smiled shyly and whispered back saying. Makhulu: hewethu. Ubonanje ndizincoma kangaka ndiyaqala nozitya, enyinto kudala kaloku ndizincoma angade ashukume uBaloyi ndaqondba mandide ndiphume egusheni ndizicelele, qha ke mabethunana ndiyambona shem ukudalelwe ukuvimba Kiss Bonga on the cheek and sat next to him. Makhulu: hee yhu akhonto ingelogugu mabethunana eqabeni! Mna ubonanje andiyiva kakuhle lendaba yakho noBobo, uBobo kaloku ngumntu oyindoda ngoku xa funeke kuqushwaneni ke ngoku Nkosi yam nizakuthini? ngoba kaloku kwalomqusho yinto yasemtshatweni qha ke yeka lento abantwana bayenza eyabo ei and ubabone mani ukuba bawenza isonka sangemihla kanti mna uJimmy esaphila sa-. Me: hayi pheza makhulu uzakude uthethe ezinye izinto. Bonga burst into laughter. Bonga: umakhulu ke kudala endibuza lento inye indlela yonke. I laughed. Me: liyaguga shem ngoku ingwevukazi. Bonga: suyithetha into yoguga anditsho izolo usuka kwam apha kuwe ndiye ndayombona ndafika wandenzela ukutya sancokola, ndimxelele about us yoh akakhala, ekhala inyembezi ngathi ngumntu lo ubethiweyo, amhleke ke uNcesh abe esithi mandingamhoyi, ndiqonde ukuba andikwa um ignora ndim buze ukhaliswa yintoni, yo waqale ekuqaleni sesithi yonke lento ndimxelela yona iconfirma ukuba funeka abe sisangoma ngoba uyibonisiwe yonke lento, wathukisa wagqibe wathi masithandaze apho azondigqiba kona wakhwaza wathi yiba yi rhaba staff Yesu nakwezinyawo zam zidumbileyo. Mr Baloyi came back with the packet of biscuits and gave it to Makhulu. Makhulu: Enkosi Toto, umntu wenza njena ke mtanam ava, angabi nombilini ngasekutyeni ngathi uyafika kuwo, ayifani ubonanje nawe into yobanombilini ngasekutyeni ude ulinganisele nezisu sabantu. She took the biscuits and put it in her bag. It looked to me like Bonga was the one who called up this meeting. He told Mr Baloyi that he wants to be a part of the church and he explained to him why he had to pull back from the first time, and he also told him about his plan of marrying me and my sweetheart also asked him for permission to use our hall for a wedding ceremony. I was shocked, we were going to have an actual wedding ceremony, wow I held his hand and asked myself, I felt undeserving of him. After we were done. I went to Bonga. I knew the sooner I tell him about my status the better, Paris was right if we were meant for each other and if he loves me the way he claims to he will accept me ndinjalo. Me: ikhona into ebendifuna ukuxelela yona but I need you to promise me one thing, please promise me that no matter what you will never leave me. He wiped the tears and he hugged me squeezing me tightly and I cried even more. Bonga: whats wrong sthandwa sam? Are you having second thoughts about me? Me: no. Never ungaze uyicinge lonto. Makhulu: yintoni ngoku Azola Nkosi yam yhu uyayenza into kodwa mathebethunana yojingana nobe utefela indoda, indoda ndikuxelele ayenziwa njalo, uyayinika uthuba loba iphefumle caba ngoku umntana bantu uzakude aphefumle wena ubuqu ngoku. Kugqubeka ntoni. Me: Makhulu kodwa ndizomxelela njani uBonga ba ndi HIV positive. Makhulu: oh ufuna umxelela ukuba iAids yakho ifumene iHIV positive? Me: ewe Makhulu. Makhulu: yhu ayini mabethunana ngoku sowufuna uzambula ubeze kuBobo, ayifuneki ndikuxelele lento ufuna uyenza ngoku sowufuna utwela yonke into ngawe uxeliqwirha yhu uyayithanda indoda yazi bendikade ingakuqapheli kungona uthyilekayo ngoku ubonakala kakuhle. Bonga came to me again and asked if I was alright I nooded my head. Bonga: ubuthe ikhona into ofuna undixelela yona. Me: yonke into isotekile so its fine. Bonga: are you sure? Me: ewe. They all left and I went back to my cell, I jumped into my bed. Paris: have you told him? Me: I know you gonna hate me for this but no. Paris: No, Mama no youve got to tell him. Let me tell you something, I remember when I was 20 I had a boyfriend Ivan, he was the first guy I really loved. I loved him too much until I reached a point where I became insecured, because of insecurities, I started doing crazy things of the fear I had of loosing him, I became jealous and I would fight with every girl that he spoke to and I lost him, basically what Im saying to you is insecurities can destroy a good relationship and has an ability to change a person, you do not want to end up doing crazy things because you scared of loosing him. Me: no Paris, no. #gudnightini ndiyozela nyani ngoku#
Posted on: Thu, 02 Oct 2014 18:57:55 +0000