3rd anniversary It is hard to believe tomorrow it will be 3 years since Ed passed. I feel completely new. Looking back I don’t recognize me. On 9/21/2011 we were experiencing the last 24 hours of our life I was so tired. Ed was tired. Life was a battle for both of us. We lived in fear of the end that was coming. I was terrified of Ed becoming so disabled I could keep my promise that he would always live with me. Ed was terrified of the seizure that would take away even more of him. He wanted to go and yet was afraid to leave me. I knew he had to go and go soon, but I was killing myself forcing him to stay longer. We clung to each other and we both needed to let go. 24 hours later he was gone and I was left with a gut wrenching pain such as I have never felt before. Not a day goes by that he is not in my mind. That I don’t miss his intelligence or his wit. He is there and he will always be there. He is a part of me. Even the stuff I hated about him is there, I use that as a guide of how not to behave. You cannot spend more than a quarter century with a person and not feel them with you. Grief does not go away. You don’t get over it. It just becomes part of you. It is another layer to the many layers that makes you who you are. It gives you a depth and understanding of life that you never had prior to losing somebody. It changes your view of life; hopefully it opens your heart. It makes you more caring. Only when you feel such deep pain can you truly appreciate all the beauty and joy in the world. It has been 3 years and I have changed so much. I am happy. Even with that grief that does not die, I am still happy. I have such wonderful friends that fill my life. Immediately after Ed died I was manic in my need to fill my life. I was constantly in motion, but I was exhausted and faking reality. But now I can honestly say that I love people, and love connecting. I find joy in little things, in tiny special moments. The thought of even a brief moment of joy with another human being is special. I am at peace. When Ed died I was at the end of my rope. The constant terror and worry left me wound tighter than a watch spring. I would sit alone at night and I could not be still. My mind could not stop. I was looking for the next emergency, I was missing the fear. It took quite a while to get past that mind set. It took forever till I could sit in my living room and just sit. When I could enjoy the quiet and peace of being alone. Now I lovethe quite moments spent alone with my thoughts. I feel younger than I did 3 years ago. The years of care giving had aged me, worn me down, they had made me feel ancient. I walked around with the weight of the world on my shoulders, now I don’t have that weight and step forward with a spring in my step. I am young and carefree. I am enjoying life. I have been to two concerts in the past month. I have plans to see 2 more before the end of the year. I will dance filled with joy! I am full of joy. Life is good. When Ed died I cried and wailed when nobody was watching. I fought back my tears when people were around. I moved through life as if in a fog. The pain blinded and filled me. That pain has not gone away, but now I accept it as my constant companion. Most days it is a low hum inside me. There are moments when it rises up and fills me an all consuming sense of loss. But even when it is awful, I now know that there is joy around the corner. That I will not be forever in an endless loop of constant pain. I know it ebbs and flows and that just as the ocean has tides so does my grief. There is probably only one thing that I am not sure I will adjust to. I don’t think I will ever adjust to being just one. When you spend a quarter century with a partner who has a brilliant mind and a unique wit, when you have had somebody around that truly understands you, being without that makes you feel this huge empty hole in your soul. I miss having somebody to share my day with, to tell about my victories and my misadventures. I miss having somebody at the end of the sofa who I can tell about the funny thing I just read on line. I miss having a partner in crime, somebody to ride shotgun as we head off to find a new adventure. I miss having somebody to worry about and who worries about me. I am terrified of spending the rest of my life alone. The only good thing is that even though I want and yes feel I need a relationship, I will not settle. I need somebody as unique (weird) as me. A rare mind with a huge heart, and a lust for life. Somebody who doesn’t want to just exist, but wants to reach out and shake every last drop out of the years we have left. Even more frightening then being alone is being on the sidelines of life and being caught in a dull relationship. I will never settle for less. I refuse to live a mundane existence. In the end I am very happy with my life. I love the home I have made for myself and I look forward to the next stage of my life. Whatever unfolds it will be new and wonderful and all about me. In widowhood I have become the center of my universe.
Posted on: Sun, 21 Sep 2014 12:10:56 +0000
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