483. So a few days ago i experienced one of the most darkest moments in my life. Most people know me as a person of many talents and well known. Its just assumed Im a person that cant possibly be dealing with depression or someone who has no reason to be unhappy cause its just assumed that Im happy and that Im a person whos constantly earning womens attention and a manwhore. Nobody knows that Ive dealt with so much adversity from the day I stepped into this school. From abandoning my family and loved ones from far away, to losing an engagement to surgery and losing my scholarship for what I worked so hard for. I lost it all and barely making it through the skin of my teeth and with more problems from all directions coming at me I lost my sense of touch with the world. I try to replace these emotions and its hard and as a man youre expected to deal with what life throws at you without complaining. I used to be a man of pride and drive. I walk around this campus with a smile on my face and act like everythings fine. Its been more than a year Ive been here and all i try to do is find my happiness here. But I cant people constantly lie and deceive me and make me feel unworthy of their acknowledgment, I wasnt sure till a few days ago who my real friends were... Id wake up hating my self feeling as if all that has happened is my fault. And when people ask I dont tell cause Im afraid that i wont be taken serious. When I open up people dont listen and just tell me that I shouldnt have to deal with these problems cause someone like me just doesnt experience it but I do. Its hurts that my loved ones and family are across the country and that people here have constantly proved that there selfish and insensitive. I never cry but I bottle things up and I didnt see the day Id ever question my existence... Coming to true badger night I thought would be a great way to enjoy my days here, my friends werent around but I try to accomplish what any guy would want to that night. Im came across 10+ girls literally and all of them who allow me to spend time with them and portrayed to be people who were happy around my presence quickly dismissed me when approaced for the kiss or even when Id say hello and be myself a gentlemen that I am. Every girl hurt me although successful At times they made me out to be a creeper or underserving of their attention. From the dry stares and being ignored and avoided it made really believe that Im this monster this... Person who doesnt deserve to live... I broke my phone that night and went insane I was furious that each grrl even the ones who kissed me would hurt me like that from being a friendly friend to the worlds ugliest disgusting horrible person in the face of the earth... I dont know what happen next as I was blinded by fury as why I deserve to be treated like shit.. I sought for a friend to calm me down but there was no one... I walked around streets thinking about whether or not my life has value the darkest thoughts came and I believed truly I shouldnt live. All the adversities Ive dealt with my life came back to me and assured me that I should just kill myself Im undeserving and if died nothing would matter. The ball of emotions I held finally came out and I tried to jump in front of a car.... Never in my life Ive went as far as this... As I tried to pick the car my knees started shaking my breath started getting heavier and I fell... Missed the car.. And I saw my cross on my chest and remember God I couldnt help but cry.. Cried harder than I ever did in my whole life... I started to realize what I was going to do... And I needed an answer from Him... And as the tears crash down I... I wished for an answer... Stranded at night in the middle of the road someone stops and asks whats wrong I couldnt even talk... But out of nowhere my friends were there and they came and grabbed me and rescued me. The angels got sent down open my eyes and realized that I dont deserve to die... I spent the whole night with them and they gave me the most impacting advice. I snapped out of the delusion I had and my outlook in life change. Dont try to impress anyone and be with those who appreciate you and treat you with respect. I have a lot of cutting ties to do but whatever its takes to regain my happiness and go forward Im willing. My advice goes to those guys who feel the same way I did.. And I want to help you realize your life is meaningful and patience helps and to take my story and understand that no one in this world is worth taking your life for no situation is worth it. Be happy enjoy life and spent with those who actually care. I love yall and thank you for another day because this life is the only one you get.
Posted on: Tue, 14 Oct 2014 06:23:19 +0000
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