A Man’s Guidelines for Women Dealing With Men At the risk of alienating one half the planet I feel I must, once and for all, attempt to make all women aware of the basic guidelines men live by. You will see as you read further most of these guidelines (truths if you will) did not originate with me. Among men they are common knowledge and have been expressed many times in many different ways. I am not the author but I have worked up the courage to be the purveyor. If you’ve seen or read these basic tenets before please, don’t tell me….tell the woman sitting or standing next to you as most are not aware they exist. #1: Regardless of our many other talents, we do not possess the ability to read minds. If you stop reading here I have done my duty as this tenet stands supreme and takes precedent over all others. #2: In conjunction with #1, women, please, if you want something have the courtesy to ask for it specifically. Since the dawn of time no man has developed the ability to ‘take a hint’. It’s never happened before and I suspect it never will. Let me put it this way; subtle hints will not work, strong hints will not work, obvious hints (obvious to you) will not work. I can’t be any clearer. Don’t hint. Say it! #3: Regarding a topic I have previously addressed; toilet seats. Toilet seats are not sophisticated mechanical devices. Animals can be trained to raise and lower toilet seats. Women should learn also. If the seat happens to be up, put it down. You can even take the toe of your shoe and give it a little push. It’ll fall on its own. As a woman you’re a big girl now and should be able to figure this out. You don’t hear us complaining about always finding the toilet seat down do you? #4: You may not realize men are totally aware that your crying is a form of blatant blackmail. We acquiesce because the results of doing otherwise are too terrible to contemplate. Crying to obtain what you want works but only in that we allow it to work. #5: Sundays, and many times Saturdays, are and always will be days of sport. No matter how much you rail against the ‘wasted’ time it will always be so. You can no more change the cycles of the moon or the rising and lowering of the ocean tides. Let it go. #6: Anything we’ve said more than seven days ago is no longer valid and may not be used against us in any form of argument or debate. If we’re such brutes and ox-like why would you ever lend credence to anything we’ve said in the past? Men are on to the fact that only those statements which may be used against us are intercepted and stored in the brain of a woman to be recycled in the heat of battle. Without our help you would have no ammunition. #7: Do not come to us with a problem, no matter how small, if you don’t want our help. Solving problems is what we do. We offer solutions not consolation (although we can but it’s seldom accepted). If you’re looking for sympathy you should check with your female friends first as they are more likely to provide it. We seldom understand the problem to begin with. #8: We are not capable of sarcasm and we do not embed hidden messages in any official statement or answer. We just don’t have it in us. If we do manage to say something that you might be able to interpret in some other way that makes you mad, that’s not what we meant. You know that. We know that. Lighten up and quit looking for trouble. #9: I mean this in the kindest, most considerate way possible. If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us. We will lie and you already think we lie about anything and everything. #10: Ask us to do something and we’ll move heaven and earth (in most cases) to get it done. Tell us specifically how you want something done and we’ll try our best to do it that way. You cannot do both. Don’t ask us to do something then hang around telling us how it should be done. Nothing will ever get done and all parties involved will get mad. #11: Men have a great affinity for the rainbow. By that I mean we only see in a dozen or so distinct colors. Think of the default settings like in Windows XP. Peach is a fruit. So is pumpkin. Melon can be anything from yellow to green. What the heck is mauve? We don’t mind typing puce but we’ll never say it out loud. Keep it simple. We’re men. #12: When a man asks what’s wrong, tell him. Referring back to #1, we do not read minds. When asked, if you respond with a simple ‘nothing’ we have no way of knowing you’re lying. We assume, and rightly so, you mean nothing. Just because women assume all men are liars doesn’t mean men do the same. If you say nothing, then nothing it is. We’re just happy it isn’t us this time but of course it always turns out to involve us. #13: On the other hand, if you ask a man what he’s thinking and he says ‘nothing’. He means it. Regardless of what women might think we do have the ability to think nothing. Matter of fact we think nothing a lot. Why do you think we’re always in trouble? We weren’t thinking. Women should know this. Lord knows they’ve told us enough times. #14: If you ask a question and the answer’s not what you were hoping for or expecting, it’s your problem. Not ours. Trust me, if men knew the exact answer you were looking for, regardless of the correct answer, we’d tell you what you wanted to hear. We may be slow, lazy, sloppy, inconsiderate, too loud, uncouth, and many times downright embarrassing but…..we’re not stupid.
Posted on: Fri, 19 Jul 2013 12:43:53 +0000
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