A bit more of Monty Python/Star Wars idea: The foursome enters into a bar after climbing down a series of manholes and walking through a stream of fetid liquid that might once have been water. As they cross through the doorway, a scraggly looking old man wearing a patch over one eye waves a claw hand toward them and shouts “Hey! We don’t serve those kind in here.” The younger human looks at his droids and says “Sorry but I think you’ll have to wait outside.” “Not them you idiot! The liberals you came in with!” snares the crusty old bartender. The two humans look behind them and spot two young people wearing bow ties and suits. The older of the two humans speaks up “Oh, those losers aren’t with us, they…” Before he could say another word, the bartender whipped up a blaster rifle from under the counter and put holes in each liberal’s forehead. The blaster rifle was back in its place before either liberal hit the ground. The younger human, Luck, stifled a snicker and walked toward the bar while the older one made his way to the back of the bar. Luck looked around. This was his first time in an undercurrent bar. There were a lot of riff raff here! In one corner, a group of silver skinned aliens sat together talking excitedly. All Luck could make out was “Ni Ni Ni Ni.” There were other aliens from planets he couldn’t even guess at. But, there were also some humans, one in particular was singing while playing a strange instrument. The tune seemed familiar but the words… “I’m a lumberjack and I’m ok…I sleep all night and I work all day…” sang the human. Luck smiled and turned back to the bar to order a drink when a two headed, scar faced thing came over to him. Head one spoke up “He doesn’t like you!” he said pointing to his other head. “I don’t like you either.” “We’re wanted men!” spoke up head two. “I imagine by very few women.” Luck responded with a shrug. “What? I keel you!” snarled head one as he pulled a 1.5 meter blaster out of his pocket with great difficulty. “Lighten up Frances.” The bartender said aiming his blaster rifle at two-heads. “Go home and masturbate. You’ll feel better in the morning.” Frances, with both heads hanging low, shuffled slowly out the door. Once he was out, the bartender replaced his rifle and asked Luck “What’ll it be bub?” “Can I have a milk, please?” Luck asked. The bartender began to pull out his blaster again, slowly this time to give Luck a chance to say he was kidding, when Luck’s companion, Ol Ben Kielbasa, came to his rescue. “That won’t be necessary, we’re just leaving.” He said as he grabbed Luck by the ear and drug him out of the bar. Flash to a giant moon-like ship in orbit around some unknown planet… A sleek, flashy ship is settling in for a landing among a line of much less flashy ships. A figure dressed all in black, including a black helmet that was picked up at Wally world. He goes by the name Dark Wader. He begins to walk briskly to what he knows is the bridge of the huge ship all the while ignoring the back-ground chatter “The white zone is for loading and unloading of passengers only…” Once on the bridge, he is called to a monitor and told he has a call from the emperor waiting for him. The second the monitor is lit, the scaley face of the emperor appears and begins without preamble. “Let me get this straight! You have appropriated money in an amount so large that I can’t even pronounce it so that you can build a moon ship?” “Well it’s more of a Trojan moon…” began Dark. “What does it do?” asked the emperor. “Well, you see, we fill it full of troops and take it to a planet it and then we tell the people that we come in peace and when they’re asleep…” “You blast them from orbit.” “Noooo, we land the ship and everyone jumps out and we take over.” “That sucks! I like my idea better. Put a blaster on that thing. Have it ready by the end of the week or you’re fired.” “Sir! Yes Sir!” Dark shouted. Later in the movie…Dark Wader and Ol Ben Kielbasa are fighting with light sabers aboard the moon ship. Sabers crash and flash making a lot of racket and drawing a crowd. “You are old and weak Kielbasa.” Grunted Dark. “It is you who are weak, Dark.” Panted Ol Ben. “You will die here. Today.” Spat out Dark. “If you strike me down, I will become more powerful than you can imagine.” Threatens Ol Ben. “No you won’t.” “Yes I will.” “No, you won’t! You’ll be dead.” “That’s never stopped me before.” Ol Ben says breathing very heavily now. “You’ve…never…been dead…before…you ol coot! Besides, what does that mean anyhow? You’ll come back as a real annoying ghost” replies Dark. “Let’s find out,” Ol Ben says and then, spotting Luck in the crowd watching the fight, he smiles and gives a slight bow in his direction. This of course was the wrong thing to do because, seeing his chance, Dark swung his saber right at Ol Ben’s neck. As he brought the saber around, however, he realizes something is wrong. Ol Ben’s body is not there. His head is not there. In fact, all that remains, is Ol Ben’s tighty whiteys with a large brown stain in the back.
Posted on: Thu, 19 Sep 2013 01:29:01 +0000
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