A calm, slowly rolling sea is a wonderfully captivating thing. At night, the sea rolls invisible in the black nothing. As long as you are on the land, in the city—a prisoner to the manmade incandescence from the incessantly awake cities, you will never truly understand the thick presence of darkness that a night on the sea thrusts upon the soul. A beautiful silent darkness it is. Slow bobbing and rolling brings people together in the dining halls, bars, and clubs of the cruise liner. Among the honeymooners and the anniversary celebrations and the homecomings, the sea makes you look deeply into the eyes of your loved ones and say things like, “Damn, the ship is really rocking this evening, isn’t it?” The romantic conversation continues with phrases like, “I can’t tell if I am drunk or if the sea is just screwing with me…” and “Holy God, yesterday was so nice. I spent the entire day nauseous, but that made a picturesque horseback riding trip through Baja, California way more exciting.” These are not complaints; these are the cold, hard realities of the life we cruise goers choose to live, and they are all good things. To the point, you say. Okay. Okay. I teased you yesterday with a few things that may appear in today’s essay. I will attempt to hit them all, but have no fear. If I don’t get to them today, I will one day. This is my promise to you. So, if I had to give you an elementary thesis statement to this entry into my life, it would be: Cruises are not for relaxation. They are four to seven day Dickensian life segments meant to show you who you really are, and maybe give you the chance to change your destiny…You will find yourself faced with many obstacles while cruising. I liken it to the old television show Double Dare. You will be asked many questions while onboard the cruise liner and some questions lead you to physical challenges, and in the end, like Scrooge, you will have some realizations to face and some decisions to make. Examples of this include but are not limited to the following: 1. They have these “people” that they call waiters that walk around the boat and ask you very difficult questions like, “Can I get you something to drink, Sir or Ma’am?” Answering this question is so simple, because apparently it should always be, “Yes.” Every time I would use this answer, I could tell I was right by the smile on the waiters face. The more often you answer in the affirmative, the more points you tally on your scorecard, which they are nice enough to slide under your door on the last day of your cruise—in the form of a bill. This lets you see how awesome you did. So exciting. Let me just tell you this…. Whitney and I did really awesome awesome. 2. They have these counters you can walk up to and once you get there, they ask more questions. One of them is, “Do you want to go on a tour of the port we will be entering?” In order to get this one right, one must also answer, “yes.” I let Whitney do almost all the choosing here. And by almost all, that means I let her do all of it. In the first port, Catalina, we did an off road tour of island, which was magnificent. Whitey and I had a blast driving on the winding roads and overlooking the Pacific Ocean. When we arrived at the top of the mountain, the tour guide offered everyone a chance to get out and stretch their legs for a few minutes. Before disembarking the vehicle, Whitney had to ensure the driver was interrogated about one specific topic: The type and amount of snakes that she may meet upon getting out of the car. The tour guide explained the Catalina had every type of snake imaginable. Whitney looked at me with a worried glance. I tried to comfort her in my normal manner, so I thought through anything that might give her the warm fuzzies she needed. I leaned in and whispered into her ear, “Even worse, there are trouser snakes inside the vehicle…” She bounded for the door and was frolicking through the Catalina badlands like she lived there her whole life. In Mexico, Whitney and I opted to make our own tour. It began with her deciding we needed cash for the marketplace. Upon reaching this decision, one would think she would include me in on the plan to get the cash needed for our excursion. Or, at least this is what I thought would happen. However, at that exact moment in time and space, I was trying to completely understand from this tour guide we met whether or not we were really being sold into slavery or being forced to swallow Heroin-filled balloons. So, what Whitney decided to do was dart off into an alley with a handsome Mexican. So what I see when I turn is my wife walking at a break neck pace into a life of the human trafficked. I turn back to Gustavo, the guide and say, “I must chase my wife, I will be back.” Gustavo laughed in a Mexican accent and I made haste to join my wife in shackles being sold to the highest bidding pervert. As I closed the distance, what I heard was the most fabulous conversation that I couldn’t understand. In what I can only describe as textbook Spanish combined with the perfect local dialect, Whitney was embroiled in titillating conversation with the handsome Mexican. They went back and forth. Each time, the tempo of the words flowing from their mouths increased and with each increase, Whitney giggled a sweet little giggle that I have heard before on dates when I was wooing her into submission years ago. I could not have this. So I increased my speed to catch and maybe not look so much like an awkward third wheel trying to convince his wife that her gringo husband was worth sticking around for. As it would happen, they two slowed down and I was right on their tail. I started to overtake the two Spanish-speaking adolescents when the Mexican grabbed me and said in perfect unaccented English, “Whoa, man. Wait for the light to turn green. We wouldn’t want you dead.” Terrific. The man competing with me for Whitney’s attention just saved my life. After crossing the street, we arrived at the gas station where we withdrew money and traded the man our pesos for his dollars. We walked back and along the way I asked Whitney what she was thinking walking off with a man here. She thought about her response for a second and responded. She replied, “That’s not a stranger, that’s Jose.” Whatever. 3. They have these opportunities that let you test the bonds of your marriage. Different nights call for different events, and one specific evening, the cruise line was putting on a game show called, “The Game of Love.” The game consisted of three couples. Each couple sat back to back and held pads of paper in their hands. The host asked a set of five questions to the guys, and the girls filled out what they thought their man would answer. The second five questions were to the woman, and the men followed in similar fashion. The host pick the couples randomly. First, the longest married couple stood up in the audience. 54 years. They limped their way to the stage and took their seats. Second, the newly weds. After having a passionate “kiss-off,” the second couple made their way up the stairs and to their seats on the right side of the stage. Finally, they were going to select a couple from the “inbetweener” category. Whitney and I raised our hands and stood and decided we were going to be the couple on stage. In order to be that couple, the host explained that we were to act out a Tarzan and Jane sequence and the loudest applause from the audience would pick the winner. A couple on the far right of the auditorium began. I leaned into Whitney and said, “I am going to pull your hair, so be ready.” She said, “What?” I leaned in again and said, “Be ready, I am going to pull your hair.” She looked at me and said, “What, why?” By that time, it was too late. It was our turn to shine. The host pointed to us and I let my ever present longing to be the center-of-attention take control. I put my finger into Whitney’s chest and yelled in the loudest and most guttural voice I could summon, “YOU JANE, ME TARZAN!!!!” As soon as I got the words out of my mouth, I motioned as if I was clubbing her over her head, and with the swiftness of a smooth speaking Mexican named Jose, I yanked her hair causing her body to follow. I walked three steps and the crowd went crazy, so I took one more, her body flailing behind me. I am now more convinced than ever that the best actors and actresses have to let the moment take them. You cannot let the possibility of pain hold you back. What made the moment was Whitney. During the clubbing and hair-grabbing episode, all of her reactions were either sincere pain, or sheer terror. That is what sold the act. Maybe I didn’t have to walk the three steps and then take the extra one dragging her stunned body behind me, but then again, maybe that is what got us on the stage. Here are a few of the questions asked. Remember, the first five were to the men and the second the women. The women answered the first five with what they thought their man would say, and for the second, the men answered what they thought their woman would say. To the men: 1. Name of your last girlfriend? 2. If you were going to Victoria’s Secret today to buy a bra for your wife, what would the size be? 3. If you could use x-ray vision on one woman who would it be? 4. If you could make one thing on your wife larger and one smaller, what would it be? 5. Where is the weirdest place you have done the “happy dance?” 6. If you could make one thing on your husband larger and one smaller, what would it be? 7. What does your husband touch first thing every morning? My wife and I walked away from the experience with a lot of laughs and by far one of the coolest memories. We were actually pretty accurate with another. For instance, I responded to the X-ray vision question with Salma Hayek. Whitney responded with “a hot chick.” In my opinion she was absolutely right. Or, I responded to the question regarding what I touched first thing with, “My crotch.” She responded by saying I touched her butt…. I just wanted you to know, because I have been holding it in for years.
Posted on: Mon, 04 Aug 2014 02:18:39 +0000
Trending Topics
Recently Viewed Topics
© 2015