A little something I felt compelled to write this evening. For the last 15+ years, Ive been struggling with depression and social anxiety. Most of that time, its gone untreated. For about a year now, Ive been on medication to help combat the anxiety and depression. And for the most part, its been helping. In my early teen years, I didnt know how to deal with my feelings. I had anxiety attacks fairly regularly. This eventually culminated in an unsuccessful suicide attempt. I quit my first year of high school football because I couldnt make the social adjustments necessary to play a sport like that. Sure, I had been on sports teams before but for whatever reason, football was different. For a while, my participation with religion was helping. For several years, it felt like thats all I had. Years later, as personal loss and divorces started piling up, my faith was on its last legs. The straw that broke the camels back came when I was fired from coaching football at my high school alma-mater. It was a public charter school yet the head coach, who was my coach when I played and more recently, my sponsor when I joined the Catholic Church, decided that I would no longer be coaching. Why? Because I had moved in with my fiancé and he felt I was setting a bad example for the players. Talk about a kick in the gut. As I look back now, Im actually thankful it happened. It freed me from this life-long struggle I had with trying to believe in something with no proof. Ive never been wired that way. Religion is not for everyone and it obviously was no longer for me. The relief I felt once I finally walked away was amazing. A lifetime of guilt, anxiety, programming, and discrimination lifted off of my shoulders. When it comes to that part of my life, Ive never been happier. Life makes so much more sense and means so much more to me. Im no longer living day-today focused on something that has no proof of happening when I take my last breath. But despite how good I feel about how things turned out, the pain will always be there. So much emphasis is put on people fighting through the tough times. And its valid. You should never give up during times of struggle. But you shouldnt be afraid or ashamed to not feel good about it. Life is hard. Sometimes, youll have a great day, week, month, or even year. And sometimes you wish that the year you just lived could be erased from the universe. These past several months have been difficult. Lots of changes at my work, trying to balance being a 31 year old college student and a long-distance father have been challenging. Throw constant financial struggles for myself and my father and it compounds those feelings. This has also been a year of loss. Losing a former co-worker and friend to suicide, seeing someone with so much life inside them like Robin Williams suddenly decide to end his was also a shock to my system. Id be remiss if I didnt harken back to my own struggles with depression, anxiety, and suicide. The ultimate point Im trying to make with this rambling post is depression is not something you can just ignore. Sometimes, you cant just fight through it or pretend it doesnt bother you. I know the old cliché that men arent supposed to outwardly deal with their feelings and emotions. But again, Ive never been wired that way. Im an emotional guy. I have a short temper, strong feelings, and Im not afraid to voice my opinions. All traits that have gotten me in trouble more times than I care to admit. But thats who I am. Life matters. The joy, the pain, the struggle, the depression, the anxiety, all of it is worth it. Some days, I dont want to move from my couch. Some days, I dont want to see or talk to anyone. And Im not afraid to have those days. I dont know if depression is something that can ever be defeated. All that anyone can do is learn how to live with it. And thats what Im still trying to do 15 years later. Im not gonna sit here and blow sunshine up anyones ass and say it gets better, because frankly, sometimes it doesnt. And we all need to remember that. Getting on medication or talking to a counselor/therapist can help but you didnt choose to be depressed in the first place. No one can change who we really are. Even we can only change certain aspects of ourselves, we all reach a point where we come face to face with who we are and who we always will be. The best we can do is accept it and try the best we can to make the most of it. I dont know why I wanted to write this. I think I just needed to get it out. I think thats why I love writing. Sure, I love movies and television and want to write them as my career. But writing allows me to get these thoughts and feelings out of my head. The good, the bad, the ugly, the embarrassing...all of it. If I can make a suggestion to anyone out there who may be struggling like I have...write about it. Of course, talk to someone, get on medication if necessary, but dont be afraid to put your thoughts out there. You dont have to be good at writing either. Just write whats in your head one sentence and thought at a time. Before you know it, youll be writing crazy long posts like me. Dont be afraid to struggle. Dont be afraid to feel. Get your feelings and thoughts out even if its only between you and your computer screen. Life isnt easy. It never will be. Enjoy the good times, learn from the bad times. Love furiously, laugh emphatically, live for today. -Josh
Posted on: Sun, 04 Jan 2015 04:10:42 +0000
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