A team of aliens may have raped me as I slept last night, and blinded me with the light of their orgasm, and now their botulism-infected sperm is all awash in my sinuses, lungs and pituitary gland. I do not even want to start imagining the many ways they must have violated me to impregnate so much of my body. They either have tiny, piercing penises or a really powerful sperm propulsion device. Because of this, I feel very footbally and premier-league-ish so I will start yammering about the latest news: Welbeck. If youve been living with your head stuck far up in your colon, then I want to take this opportunity to inform you that we (Arsenal FC, the greatest football club in the history of football clubs) now have Welbeck. Quick, powerful, has Premier League experience, can finish better than Sanogo and he can be a shoe-in for Giroud. And when Giroud gets fit and Sanchez becomes the centre forward we all need, well definitely have three presentable options for the striker role. Well, not really the best by any means, but certainly a good, versatile bunch. Wenger will most probably play Welbeck on the left flank and bench Ozil. Wenger is that much of an arse. Wenger is also very arse-ish because why the hell hasnt he ever seen the need for a defender? Of course, he had to get a striker after Girouds injury and lamentations from Arsenal fans, but still, a defender is much needed, even though Mertesacker and Koscielny are great defenders with Chambers being an astute backup. And the defensive midfielder? Are we ever gonna get any? Because thanks to Leicester and Everton, we are in dire need here, formations and tactics aside (which always ruins the system. Did I already mention that Wenger is an arse?). No move has ever been made on Schneiderlin or Khedira and for whatever annoying reason, it was decided that capitalising on a reasonable offer on Carvalho would be the end of the human race. Welcome to Arsenal FC, Welbeck.
Posted on: Tue, 02 Sep 2014 07:55:05 +0000
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