Achievements for today: Well ive gone through melt down and back again today, nothing that a bit of Primarni and Zara retail therapy couldnt sort out thou. Well kind of cos it didnt stop there for tonights been pretty hellish and although ive done yet another day of my plan, my poor state of my mind and beating myself up for being no good have unfortunately plagued my brain and somewhat worn me out. Not enough however to feel like i can get a good nights sleep, cos i feel on a rollercoaster of emotions right now that only this mornings yoga could heal. Alas i cannot do yoga 24/7 and even if i could im sure that even that would lose its effect and prove futile in the end. And anyhow i wouldnt want to tainter something that i love and look forward to. Thou i do have to say there was a time, not long ago that it bordered on obsessive and i had to reign it in. So what might you ask has been going on today to cause my mood to plummet and anxiety rocket. I have to say nothing explosive its just a general sense of despair and not knowing where i stand in relation to what i can do to best aid my recovery and put me in the best position possible to start my course come October. I have been as you may know contemplating upping my plan but the prospect terrifies me and thou i took an extra potato out of the bag and put it in a pile to one side, gearing myself up to having it this evening, when i told the witch of a consultant (whom i have to add i havent seen in ages having cancelled on me 3x running), she told me to just stick to the plan im on as im not losing weight and thus it is more advisable for me to stabilise and allow my head to catch up with my body. I said im hungry (something which is hard to admit), to which she duly replied, Well you will be, until you are at a normal weight, so you had better just get used to it. Helpful, not. I said im exhausted from the fight, i cant sleep, i cant rest and now ive just binged on lettuce for the second time today, oh god oh god. I dont know what to do, i feel really out of control and guilty for giving in. Why? Why? why do i do this, wheres my self control? im now overheating and bordering on a massive panic attack, god i need to get a grip its just lettuce, but at 40 calories a bag i cant help but panic at what this will do to my weight especially as the rise this morning was hard for me to take. I know i must get used to these natural fluctuations, that my weight cant be one straight line whichever way its going. Sleep, i must sleep this is too much for my brain to process. What if i feel hungry tomorrow? What if i lose control again? i cant concentrate on my work, this has to stop, im heading for burn out, i cant do this no more. Ok ive taken a couple of minutes out, i have to think rationally, if i feel hungry then i must feed it. Its as simple as that. I shouldnt feel guilty or fear at what it will do to my weight. I will just be obeying my bodys natural drives. For once i will not be abusing my body, but nurturing it. I need to remember that i only have one body and that years of abuse will soon take its toll. That is why i made the effort to go out and buy some calcium tablets on my way back from the witch, i had stopped taking them due to finding out how many calories they supposedly contained. But i was told today on asking, that my calcium levels have dropped and with an already collapsed vertebrae i cant risk making it worse over a few calories. So rather than go back to my existing tablets which had become slightly addictive due to tasting like sweets, i decided to buy some with no added sugar from holland and barratt and i will make a concerted effort to have them at breakfast tomorrow. I think i will have to keep this post brief and nurture myself by getting some rest and i will deal with tomorrow when it comes for tonight i cannot think straight and this is getting me nowhere. Just be rest assured that i did do my plan with the additional lettuce and i also only stopped off briefly to go to the shops and not do a shopping marathon to burn off calories. Like i said tomorrows a new day, draw a line under today, try and get some sleep and things might be a little brighter tomorrow. If you have any suggestions on ways to tackle my current situation, feel free to share as after all two heads are better and i need a backup team to fight ed full on. Nite Nite x
Posted on: Thu, 18 Sep 2014 23:28:48 +0000
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