Against many peoples advice I am going to post something about episode 66 of The Pee-ew where, sadly, the comments have had to be removed for various reasons, including out of respect for Angels friends and family. I have said time and again that sites like Facebook and Twitter are not proper forums to discuss such serious issues...I was against discussing it on The Pee-ew, quite frankly. Not only are these the wrong places to talk about something so important and emotional, nothing I can do or say is ever going to make even the slightest difference to those who are not ready to forgive me. The thing is, I understand this. I have not yet forgiven MYSELF, so I can empathize completely with people who have not and may never forgive me for what Ive done. I can understand when they say I should not be allowed to have an art exhibition or record a song. It makes sense to me and I am not fully comfortable doing these things myself. Truth is, ever since that awful, day back in March of 1996, I have not been fully comfortable doing ANYTHING. I will never be able to make up for what Ive done. Nothing will ever bring Angel back, or make his friends and family stop grieving. For this I am so, truly and deeply sorry, I can not find words strong enough to express my remorse. There are some things that there simply ARE no words strong enough to express. However, I am an artist. Its who I am. Its what I do, and have always done. I dont know how to do anything else. I try my best to reconcile what I have done, to atone for my guilt by doing altruistic things for people, even if its something so small and seemingly meaningless as holding a door open for someone who is twenty feet behind me at the subway station, or helping a 53-year-old unemployed man study for--and actually receive--his GED. Doing things like this help me deal with the tragedy and devastation I have brought upon so many others through my senseless and selfish crime. I do not go on Facebook and Twitter boasting about doing selfless acts, or helping other people, because I dont feel these are the places to discuss such things and also because Im not doing them for other peoples recognition, but for my own feelings of self-worth. The only reason I am posting this now, on Facebook, is because I feel almost forced to express my thoughts here, as this is where the comments are pouring in, affecting not just me but other, completely innocent bystanders like Ernie, Steven Lewis, and whoever else has chosen to forgive me for the terrible thing i have done. I feel I owe it to them, if no one else. Many people tell me I have done my time and paid for my crime, that I do not owe anyone anything. Others swear nothing I can ever do will be enough to atone for my sins. Both are correct. The only thing I can do is try to live a better life than before, help others when I can, but at the same time not lose track of who I am, the artist inside me with the will to create works of art, make people think, or laugh, or even just feel. I am doing the best I can to create a balance of these two things...but I also realize that sometimes, ones best just isnt enough.
Posted on: Tue, 09 Dec 2014 04:16:29 +0000
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