Alright, prepare for some lengthy introspection. What?! Instrospection, on FACEBOOK?! you must be asking yourselves, incredulously. Honestly, Im all too well aware that introspection is one of my greatest flaws and assets, all rolled into one. I do it far too much, and I just cant seem to help it. Whether Im sharing it on Facebook or not, its still going on in my head all the time, like the background music to my life. Anyway, Ive digressed. I was originally going to wait to make this post until after Id heard back from my doctor, but that just keeps getting further and further away, and the details are starting to slip away. I dont want to forget them. What I *do* want to do is to take a few minutes to talk about death. Or maybe about life. Or both. This is one of the few posts that Ill ever make on Facebook for myself, and not for anyone else. However, youre welcome to read it and comment on it... Its still a public post. My perspective may or may not be of interest to you. Five days ago, I got a call from my doctor that... well, it sounded awful. Like I didnt just have cancer, but like I had CANCER. Potentially all over my body. It was shocking, yes, but there was more to it than that. I know I already mentioned it on Facebook, but immediately after getting that call, I called my oncologist to set up an appointment. After that, I called my parents to let them know. Then I wrote a Facebook post about it. Then I collapsed into my wifes lap and sobbed like a little girl. I mention this, because its a stark contrast to what happened when I was diagnosed with cancer in 2005. Back then, I didnt cry at all. I wasnt even all that sad, to be honest. Sure, a little depressed, but generally, I was numb to the whole affair. I didnt let it get me down, and I really went through it like a trooper. At no point during that whole process did I *really* think that I was going to die, because anxiety aside, I was confident that I would make it. This time, not so much. A lots happened in the last ten years, and Ive seen many strong friends lose their battles with cancer. Young people dying from cancer has become a much more real thing to me, because its touched my life. Ive learned that in the end, it doesnt matter how strong, or how positive, or how well-liked you are... It can take you all the same. This was all at the forefront of my mind between Sunday and Wednesday, and it was horrible. Shaken of my youthful confidence, I was a wreck. I began to realize that *I* am going to *die* some day. I began envisioning my last moments, and thinking about what it will be like to someday slip away from the world. Despite all of my death- and health-related anxiety, Id never fallen quite so far before in my life. Its amazing, isnt it, how when we feel vital, we can simply not think about death? The sheer vitality of life can just push those fears and thoughts away; its only when were at our weakest that they can come back to plague us. Well, I was definitely at my weakest. I thought about what my life meant, and about what I would leave behind when I go. The scariest part is that I didnt know. Sure, Ive touched a lot of people in my life, both good and bad. I have a lovely wife, and a great family. Ive been a good guy more often than a bad one. Are those things supposed to be comforting? Are those things sufficient for being able to rest easy when your life is over? For that matter, will there *ever* be a time when I can look back and be satisfied? Thats the really frustrating part. I dont know if Id be more satisfied if I published a novel, or made a lot of money, or became famous, or something else, because theres always more to do, and more to achieve. You can always leave a bigger mark on the world. I know that some people look up to me, and are amazed that Ive left as big a mark as I have. Others have left me far behind. And at the end of the day, does it even matter? After all, theres no impartial way to judge the success or failure of a life. We all have to decide for ourselves what criteria are important to us. And unfortunately, I cant decide. But now that it looks like Im going to be okay, the thoughts of death are slowly fading from my mind as my vitality returns. Before long, I wont be able to remember what it was like to fall so deeply into that dark, dark hole. Unless I get bad news from the doctor on Monday, of course, because then the whole cycle will start again. I just wanted to put down my thoughts and feelings while I could still remember them. When I thought I would die, I was so frustrated and angry. I wanted to use my remaining time to do something meaningful, but couldnt figure out what that was, or what it would even look like. That anger, frustration, and sadness all piled together into a horrible despair. I truly pity Megan for having to put up with me during that time... I must have been quite a burden. Everywhere we went, I had to just stop and cry every now and then. Another thing that really made me angry was war. Deep in the depths of my anguish, life seemed so special and amazing, and it was absolutely abhorrent to me that people would lose their lives on a massive scale during conflict. How could people do that to each other? How could one person kill another? It boggled my mind, and I would get furious every time I thought about it. Not just angry; furious. At the Air and Space museum, I had to sit down and cry for a little while after reading a segment on a fighter plane. I wasnt just crying for myself, but for all the people who had lost their lives in battle. All of them were sons and daughters, friends and family members. Many died anonymously. You know, even now, when Im still waiting for confirmation of my health from the doctor, I cant really think about death in the same way anymore. I try to think about it, and it skirts away from me like the oil to my water. Its only when you are truly facing your mortality that your mind becomes capable of grappling with the terrifying reality of death. I faced it last weekend, and I looked it in the eye. Im sad to say it, but I blinked first.
Posted on: Sat, 04 Oct 2014 01:08:11 +0000
Trending Topics
Recently Viewed Topics
© 2015