And finally, New Rule: Crazy idea division. Since theres an election coming up, Democrats might want to say something about what theyre proposing to do for America sometime between now and November. (audience applause) Crazy idea. Everyone is predicting disaster for Democrats in the midterms, and their response seems to be, Yeah, sucks to be us right now. Well, maybe thats because their basic talking points always start with an apology. Like, Obamacare is far from perfect, but.... NOTHINGS PERFECT!!! But you dont start with pointing that out about something youre supposed to like! Hey Bob, hows your wife? Well, shes not perfect, but she beats masturbating alone. (wild audience laughter and applause) Now last week in this space, I congratulated Democrats for finally learning how to use the right words to sell their ideas. This week, Im going to ask for something in return — that they actually own those ideas. Stand your ground. when a Tea Partier says Obamacare is a government takeover, say, I wish! Because that would mean Medicare for all! (audience cheering and applause) And you know, Medicare is hugely popular in America. So lets see. Getting behind something thats hugely popular, for all. No, too hard a sell. A year ago, Kaiser polled Americans on what they thought of Obamacares individual provisions. 80% liked the idea of exchanges. 76% liked kids staying on their parents plan. 71% liked Medicaid expansion. Two-thirds liked the ban on pre-existing conditions. Half the people in the survey were like, Hey, why dont we get Congress to do these things? Oh, you mean the things the Democrats had already done, but are keeping it a big secret? No wonder the Republicans have such an easy time selling their argument about Obamacare, which is basically, Hey, we tried it, and it was a big failure. How about volleying that one back with, WHAT?! Were still signing people up, for Christs sake! How can we even know if its a failure? What we do know is that Sarah Palin and Rick Santorum said it would kill their children. No, you guys are thinking of assault rifles. (audience laughter and applause) We also know that in 2010, Republican Senator Tom Coburn said, There will be no insurance industry left in three years. Always the drama queens! The Republicans run ad after ad of Obamacare horror stories, but where are the success stories from the Democrats? You just need someone whos seen a gynecologist, not Bigfoot! (audience laughter) Shoot a college kid on your phone! Hi, Im Tony, I got the clap on spring break. Good thing I was on my parents plan, cuz now it doesnt hurt when I pee. Thanks, Obamacare! (massive audience applause) Its not like youre trying to sell a Vince Vaughn movie, this is a good thing! (audience laughter) And while were on the subject of the Democratic Party owning what they should be proud to own, this guy is a perfect example.... (audience cheering) Jimmy Carter is a perfect example of the way Democrats meekly go along when the Republicans create a false meme like Carters failed presidency. Failed by whose standards? We may not have had a great economy in the 70s, but Ill tell you something else we didnt have — a war. (audience applause) Carter was branded a wimp, but the real wimps are the Democrats who never had his back for the achievement of never firing a shot while in office. (audience cheering and applause) And the courage of being the last President to ask Americans to sacrifice. And yet, when Obama talks fondly about a President from his youth, he cites Reagan as an inspiration. But Obamas supposed to be an environmentalist. He should be inspired by the President who put solar panels on the White House roof! (audience cheering and applause) Not the President who came after him and tore them down because he thought the sun was interfering with Nancys astrology!
Posted on: Mon, 31 Mar 2014 23:22:17 +0000