And ye shall know the truth and the truth shall set you free: i share this in hopes that others will find the strength and courage to do the same.... I grew up in New York and New Jersey, am a light skinned black woman and reasonably well educated. i have lived in mostly "white circles". I did NOT think that I had any negative feelings towards white people. My dearest friends have been white women and men. I fell in love with a "white man" shortly after moving to Santa Barbara. He died in his sleep four years ago. At his memorial service, I said "that his basic humanity disarmed me and shattered EVERY mis perception I had about "white men. About six months into the relationship, I develop a "rage" towards white people in general. It terrified me. I could not believe these were thoughts and feelings coming from inside of me. One day, i called my son Sylvester and was sobbing uncontrollably and could not say anything understandable for some time. Slowly, I said to him, son "I think I hate white people". He was VERY quiet for a long time..The silence spoke volumns. He said"mom, I am not surprised". I knew this day would come. He went on to say that he was aware that I had tucked away certain feelings and always presented a positive front to him and his sister. He told me that I had been so focused on making sure they were raised, protected and had the right attitudes and values that i could not or simply did not take the time to FEEL and experienced all that was going on in my life or admit.........the hurt feelings and inner turmoil that resulted from being black in America. I NEVER shared any of this with my beloved Chuck. He as a dear and gentle man, not perfect but he loved me and he made it safe for me to do the work I needed to do to "heal my own heart and free my soul". it was a long and painful process...for almost a year it seemed everywhere I turned, there was a white person offering further proof that they were not to be trusted and were not my friends. i now know that this was my own projection of self hatred onto others. I came to realize that "almost all" of my inner rage had to do with the pain and helplessness I felt with regard to how black men were treated in America. Especially the way my son was treated and the anger he developed at a very young age......I felt powerless to protect, explain or help in any way, except to keep telling him to rise above it all and SERVE his people and his country. Healing is VERY liberating. No one can heal for us. No one else is responsible for our pain, self hatred and FEAR. No one else can free us. This is work we all must do. On the other side of healing we "see" with new eyes, we are able to make a positive contribution and offer a way forward to thousands of others. I do not care how much you have suffered, or how deep your pain. NO one else is to blame!! Owning our own.s..t. is where we must start. From this place we can create safe spaces and fully participate as "agents of change in our own lives." i now know that I am not helpless or hopeless. I am certainly not powerless and neither are YOU. I thank God for the time I had with Chuck for he offered me the love I needed to heal. May he R.I.P.
Posted on: Tue, 16 Jul 2013 07:24:33 +0000
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