As i mentioned the cast and crew of Watching Goldfish Suffocate will be opening up about their thoughts, experiences etc of Mental Illness, i really hope you all take a few minutes to read them all Some personal stories, some hopes for the future, some about learning about it through the show. Last week one of my co owners of Vertigo Theatre Productions and my partner of 8 years Karl Burge opened up about living with someone suffering from Mental Illness (me), this week it’s my turn, scary as hell as only a few know the serious nature of my mental health, but we have to keep talking to get people understanding right? So here goes. Tonight from about 8.30pm till 10pm I sat in my bathroom in pitch black (no window in our bathroom) with a razor in my hand, exhausted, fed up, not knowing if I was going to cut my arm as I have so many times before or just have done with it and cut my wrist. My partner sat on the other side of the door worried, scared and hoping I wouldn’t do anything stupid....i didn’t. I have self harmed for years (last time 6 weeks ago), I have thoughts of suicide (have done since I was a teen) but I don’t act on them anymore....because of that guy who sits on the other side of the door, Karl, my real life hero. I suffer with Manic Depression, severe Health Anxiety and Severe overall anxiety. The depression is something I have lived with for many many years, doctors, hospitals, pills, therapy etc, I’ve done it all, and most of the time I can live with it now, I battle through it and normally come out of my spiral moments pretty quickly, my doctors tell me they think I have a pretty good handle on the depression side. Don’t get me wrong, it’s always there, always trying to ruin things but I seem to be able to rise above most times, separate my real thoughts from those brought on by depression, or at least I used to be able to do that. Around 10 years ago I noticed that I was becoming increasingly more concerned about my health, I would worry about small things that everybody else brushes off , i didn’t know why. Over the years it’s become much much worse, every mark, every bump, every infection to me signals the end, normally Cancer in my head, today it’s at a point that is debilitating, that in turn is making it far more difficult to battle those bouts of Manic Depression. The past few weeks I have had what is probably a bit of a gum infection, I can write on here it’s probably a gum infection, but after this is finished I will go back to staying up till 5am worrying that it’s oral cancer or some other fatal illness. At the dentist they said the same, they gave me some antibiotics, they haven’t worked, I probably need something stronger, again I can write this but once I’m done I will be back to worrying that pills won’t help because its fatal. I spend more time at the doctors than I care to admit, have been to hospital many times and my partner has even taken a policy out in work to get us private medical treatment as he knows I’m clearly gonna need it. I have no idea where this came from, I mean don’t get me wrong I have been through the wars in terms of actual ‘real illnesses’ the past few years, I think that has just made my mind go off on one. I finally got diagnosed with having sever health anxiety, it’s a mental illness, many suffer from it though my CBT therapist said mine was pretty bad, I can’t pretend it’s not. I feel like part of me, a big part of me has been taken away, I rarely have a day where I can just be 100 percent happy without worrying or feeling so low that I don’t want to do anything, I’ve found I have become less social, I miss birthdays, friends in plays, nights out, I miss my little sister who I know wants to come and see me as I rarely get to see her but I feel like everybody is looking at me like something is wrong with me thinking I’m a hypochondriac (I hate that word), I’m damaged. I know in all honesty they aint really thinking that as most don’t know about anything that goes on with me (guess they will now), I worry a lot about what will become of me in the future if this continues to get worse, I worry a lot, I worry if I will even have a future. My writing and directing keeps my brain active, my company Vertigo have done almost 20 plays in 8 years, I get scared of slowing down because if I do I worry that all of this will overwhelm me and I won’t be able to handle it. Even the thought of taking a holiday (which I aint done for years) terrifies me, will my brain be active enough, will it leave too much time to think? During the show weeks of Mysterious Skin and M I could barely enjoy them, the shows I had worked so long on and got great reviews on took a back seat that week to another lump, or another illness. During my last play Rage I nearly left the venue after crying back stage for ages during the get in because of a lump in my neck that turned out to be nothing. I love creating new plays, working with actors, directing, producing, but I feel like I can’t fully enjoy it because my mental illness just won’t let me I feel cheated that I found the man of my dreams, the actual perfect guy and I can’t fully enjoy my life with him, I feel like I’m cheating him out of a happy life as he should not be cleaning blood from my arm and the bathroom floor at 3am. Sometimes part of me wants to tell him to leave, not because I want him to leave but because I want him to have a full and happy life and I can’t give that to him. He tells me I’m the best thing to happen to him, he tells me he aint going anywhere and I believe him luckily, we are made for each other, I just wish I could smile more, laugh more and enjoy my perfect relationship with him more, but I can’t. It’s strange but at the moment I have so many people in my life that suffer from depression, close people who I love and adore and I will always be there for them, help them through it, be that shoulder to cry on, luckily I’ve also found friends who return the favour .... we are like the Depression Club lol. They understand me... as much as they can as everybody’s battle with mental illness is different, Karl is always there for me and try’s to understand but of course he can only do so much because (thank God) he has never suffered with it. I only have a few very good friends and they know and now understand who I am, truly, and they are still here. David who has written Goldfish about his battle with his mental illness is someone else who has become a great friend, I trust him whole heartedly, and that’s rare for me. Directing his show, been there when he was going through his worst times has made me realise how much I want my life back, I want to be OK....and I will try my hardest to make that happen, but in all honesty, who knows what the future holds for me, that’s something Karl and myself are painfully aware of, as dramatic as it sounds, staying alive is sometimes a real battle...so far one I’m winning. I can guarantee that somebody you know is going through a rough time with some form of mental illness, please don’t judge, but don’t treat them with kid gloves either, normality is our saviour, a welcome distraction, a reminder that we are just as normal but just have to push a little harder. Be there if they want to talk though, make them aware that you are there if they need to talk, most times they will shrug it off, crack a joke, be sarcastic etc, but trust me they heard and they feel a little better for knowing. So there you have it, my....confession? I don’t know what to call it, I suffer with manic depression, heightened anxiety and severe health anxiety, it’s now 1.06am and I will be awake for hours, but I will do everything I can to stay away from that bathroom, tomorrow is another day, and one day it will be a little better.....i know it will. Craig x
Posted on: Tue, 24 Jun 2014 00:30:02 +0000
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