As we start 2015, I want to thank each one of you for your educational emails last year. I am totally messed up now and have little chance of recovery. I can no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, nor let the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel. I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking ones nose. Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years. I cant touch any womans handbag for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public toilet. I must send my special thanks for the email about rat poo in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing. Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason. I cant eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers. I cant use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day. Thanks to you I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to seventeen of my friends and make a wish within five minutes. Because of your concern, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains. I no longer buy fuel without taking someone along to watch the car, so a serial killer doesnt crawl in my back seat when Im filling up. I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer. And thanks for letting me know I cant boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face, disfiguring me for life. I no longer go to the movies because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS when I sit down. I no longer go to shopping centers because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me. And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a huge phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan. Thanks to you I cant use anyones toilet but mine because a big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it bites my rear. I cant do any gardening because Im afraid Ill get bitten by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off. If you dont send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbors ex mother-in-laws second husbands cousins best friends beautician!
Posted on: Thu, 22 Jan 2015 12:18:30 +0000
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