Attack of the Cave Hill Arachnomammoth By Sergeant Sheltowee Beih Boone It had been hot lately. Or was it beginning to cool off? Maybe there was a bit of a chill coming on in the air. Ah, heck, I don’t remember. But I do know the air was dead still. It was kind of stuffy, like something invisible was hanging there, just filling up space all around. I’m not stretching the truth when I say that things just felt kind of weird, out of sorts. Some folk were acting a little funny and some others would just say the darndest things, things that just didn’t make any sense at all, like they were rambling on and on about nothing intelligible in particular, like they weren’t getting enough oxygen to their brain. Some old man said he saw a flying pumpkin. And if that isn’t bad enough, he said it had wings like a giant bat, and it was just a whoopin’ and a hollerin’ as it flew over his head. Why… who ever heard of a flying talking pumpkin? But you know what I think? I think he was just spinning some wild yarn, talking out of his head. One thing you can’t deny though is the little tremors we’d been having, you know, little earthquakes? For about four or five months the whole greater Derby City area had been stricken with them. Nothing great mind you, just little rumblings and almost unnoticeable shimmers. It certainly had the local university scientists in a state of confusion. It even chased the cave trolls up and out of the ground down south at the mammoth caves. Yes, there really are such things as cave trolls. They are native to the central Kentucky region and not found too many other places on earth, not like the ones here at least. No cave trolls meant no black spider thread. No black spider thread meant the black underwear factory shut down for nearly 13 weeks. And the black underwear factory being shut down meant there was a worldwide black underwear shortage. It was awful. You know it was so hard to understand those cave trolls. They never were any good at talking plain English, with their teeth and all getting in the way, and those big lips and fat tongues, and they drool and snort a lot too don’t you know. You can hear every breath coming in and out of those big noses. Sometimes when they’d snort it would throw a plume of cave dust up in the air. We managed to make out something about the black cave spiders going crazy, going deep down into bottomless pits the trolls found. Believe it or not, the trolls were scared to be in the caves! Ha, imagine, cave trolls being afraid of caves, what with all the shaking and quaking going on. And, there was the disappearing spider thing that had’em going too. So what we did was put all those cave trolls on buses and shipped them right up to Derby City. They loved that. It was their first time to travel in motorized vehicles. But the bus company wasn’t very happy. Oh, the smelly smell inside those coaches was fierce by the time they made it up to Derby City. And since trolls can’t stay out in the sunlight for long, they do odd things like melt, or spontaneously combust, turn cherry red with burn and shrivel like sundried tomatoes, or turn to stone, we drove those big buses straight down into the mega cavern under Derby City. That was a ginormous man made cave, created to save a number of Derby City citizens if there were some kind of apocalyptic event. It became a refugee camp for the cave trolls for the time being, since they wouldn’t go back in their real caves. Those nagging trimmers kept getting a little bigger, and a little bigger, until folk really started to take notice of them. All kinds of jokes were made about giant troll mamas rolling over in their sleep and shifting the earth around. But it wasn’t any troll parent stirring the ground or causing the air to go still. Let me tell you what happened, what eerie freak of nature, what supernatural event occurred that forever changed the destiny of our part of the O’Kentuckiana Valley. They came right up through the cave in Cave Hill Cemetery. You can go right there to it today if you want. It’s near the heart of Derby City in the town’s highlands. The cave is still there, though the back of it has been pinched off. A whole troop of black cave spiders pushed and rolled, and strained and struggled, and tugged and pulled a giant white ball up and out the mouth of the cave. The thing looked like a 20 foot ball of twine. Since it had to do with spiders and caves, the mayor of Louisville had some older cave trolls come and take a look to see if they knew what it was. They knew right away. It was a giant spider egg sack. It wasn’t from the black cave spiders that give the black silk for underwear. It was from something else, something bigger, that lived deeper in the earth. No one could quite figure out what to do. Usually you get a broom or dust cloth and take care of sweeping away spider egg pouches. But this one happened to be 20 feet high. The decision was made to have the giant ball moved to Derby City Zoo, where the zoo keepers could get a better look at it and maybe determine what should be done. Turned out to be a bigger problem than they originally thought it would be. You see, they got that orb to the zoo and put it up to an x-ray machine. Now, what is usually inside itty bitty spider eggs you find in the basement? Yep, that’s right, hundreds, maybe even thousands of little growing spiders. Well, not in this one. All the x-ray showed was eight giant sized legs and a single body. There was but one single spider growing in that egg sack. I don’t know whose bright idea it was to put the big spider ball into the elephant exhibit, but hindsight being 20/20, that probably wasn’t the best idea in the world. You see the reasoning that was given was that the elephants could push that big ball around like a toy and it would keep them stimulated, entertained and exercised. Well, it was a grand idea, and worked for a little while. But one night the zoo closed up and the next morning when the zoo keepers were checking on all the animals they quickly noticed the error of their ways. That big spider egg had hatched overnight. And do you know what happened? Whatever came out from inside that thing got to all four of the elephants….. Bobo, Clementine, Dr. Spudly and Bobo II. They were nothing but skin and bone by the time the zookeepers got there. Literally, the spider had sucked them dry, consuming innards, eyeballs and all! But the elephants weren’t the only things that got ate up, or sucked up, depending on how you see things. The zoo was also now down, four hippos, two rhinos, a walrus, two seals, three water buffaloes, a giraffe and six spider monkeys. No one thinks the spider actually ate the spider monkeys, but their cage accidentally got busted open and they ran off during the night, probably in sheer fear and ultimate terror of the monster that crashed through the zoo grounds. And about that time other strange things started happening… globally. That dead air I talked about earlier, well it started getting choked with dust. Funny thing is, no one knew where the dust came from. I just told you the air was dead calm, still as Michael Angelo’s David. But sure enough, there was the dust, just falling from the sky like a spring rain. And the skies started changing color. It stayed orange and rusty brown and golden too. Scientists from the local university speculated that dust was falling from outer space. And speculation was that some folks were reacting to it and that’s what was making them go all crazy, and delirious, and say completely odd things. I’m sorry, I pulled you all the way away from the baby giant spider roaming free in Derby City. Well, it wasn’t any surprise that a spider that big would be noticed right away. The local police stations and 911 operators were taking calls all night long about, “The Monster,” as it had come to be called by the citizens. It seems it was heading southwest toward high ground in the knobs along the edge of Derby City and leaving a trail of devastation in its path. Pet’s all along the monsters path were being reported disappearing, probably sucked up by the spider. By the first light of morning, it looked like a tornado had gone through the city and up into the hills. The news choppers and police helicopters took to the air and gave chase, hoping to catch a glimpse of what was being reported on the news now as, “The Cave Hill Arachnomammoth.” And sure enough, right there nestled in a hollow between two hills was the giant spider. But it wasn’t the giant spider. It was only its skin! You see, after gorging itself on zoo animals and pets from across the city, it must have grown and molted and left behind it’s shell. The tornado like trail of destruction continued along the hollow but ended near a small dark hill. The helicopters hovered only briefly before the hill started to move. Was it another earthquake? Not hardly. In a split second, the mountain, the monster, the spider, the Cave Hill Arachnomammoth, lept in the air and completely over the helicopters, crashing down into a cow pasture. Chaos ensued as the spider turned to the right and the left slurping up cattle. Poor panicked cows scrambled helplessly, mooing in cow terror. Three maybe four hundred head of beef were gone in the blink of an eye. And every movement of the behemoth shook the ground like an earthquake knocking more cows to the ground for easy consumption. The helicopters had to make mad dashes to higher altitude to avoid the jumping spider, and doing so, lost sight of the monster through the dusty sky. While all this was going on, if you can believe it, more trouble, of even a potential greater danger was discovered. That dust hanging in the air… it really was falling from outer space. Not only that, it was just the edge of a great storm sweeping toward earth. Asteroids were on a collision course with the earth. The dust was simply the beginning of what was still to follow. Larger and greater chunks of space rock were detected entering earth’s atmosphere, some exploding and disintegrating and others impacting at various portions of the globe. Now, the serious threat was the fact some ginormous size asteroids were going to fall to earth in the coming days. And scientists calculated that they would fall somewhere in the United States, probably smashing large portions of the country. So not only was there a local state of emergency in Derby City, but there was a national state of emergency in the greater nation as a whole. Another day went by and another spider skin was found. The Cave Hill Arachnomammoth had molted once again because it was growing. To say the citizens of Derby City were alarmed was an understatement. They were in fear for their lives. There was a mad scramble to join the cave trolls in the Mega Cavern. After all, with the attack of the spider and the coming asteroid destruction, it seemed this truly was an apocalyptic event. Unfortunately, there was limited space in the cavern and a lottery was started to determine which citizens would be able to find refuge. One family in particular, the Heebeejeeby’s, submitted their name, but were left out in the open to fend for themselves. The head of the Heebeejeeby household, the father, Beary, was in the Army and had gone to fight against the Cave Hill Arachnomammoth menacing the countryside and Derby city. He had secretly sent the rest of the family to another location… that might be safe… but might not be safe. Desperate times calls for desperate measures. Shelly Heebeejeeby took all the children, Kiki, Juice, Chopper and Crash to Cave Hill Cemetery and down into the cave in side of the hill by the lake. There they hoped to be safe. The Heebeejeeby sons were all Boy Scouts and had the sense of adventure about them. They were determined to get out and see the monster for themselves. They explained there adventure plans to their mom. She told them to be careful, gave them good advice to steer clear of danger, but to go and have fun. The boys left the cave, not going too far and climbed to the top of the tallest tree to see if they could even catch a glimpse of the giant spider. By this time the thing had grown so big you could see it coming from across the city and it had grown so gigantic that zoo animals and cattle could no longer satisfied its massive appetite. The monster crept and jumped from here to there across the city looking for food it could liquefy with its digestive saliva and suck down. Juice, Chopper, and Asher scrambled out of the tree, across the cemetery and back to the cave unnoticed. Soon the ground began to rumble, then to shake. The Cave Hill Arachnomammoth had come home to whence it had been brought out of the mouth of the cave. It just kind of hovered there, motionless, still, never moving, like a stone statue or monument that was scattered through the graveyard. It could have been waiting for prey. Or it could have been sleeping! The boys couldn’t stand it any longer. They had to get closer, to even touch it! They each packed an emergency survival kit, put on their official scout uniforms, and silently, stealthily crept carefully from the mouth of the cave. They were so small compared to the gargantuan size of the arachnid that they barely appeared as mites approaching one of the spider’s enormous legs. Still the monster did not move, as if it were resting. The oldest, Juice, reached out and touched a hair on the spider’s leg. Nothing happened. Chopper and Crash each reached out to touch the giant hairs that reminded them more of tree branches. Tree branches! That gave them a great idea. They began to climb onto the monster, higher and higher. They climbed so high and they were so far above the tree tops and buildings. High atop the back of the monster they could see virtually the whole valley that Derby City rested in, surrounded by the knobs along the Pelewathiipi River. The boys whispered to each other in hushed tones that “This was so cool.” Before the words could even leave their mouth, the monster began to stir, and rumble, and lift itself from the ground and begin to walk. The boys were in store for the trip of their lives. They grabbed rope from each of their packs and tied themselves securely to a hair. They did not want to fall off the back of the monster to their deaths. No sooner had they gotten the last knot secured the spider bound away in one giant jump and disappeared. In another part of the city, facing another crisis, scientists from the local university were contacted by the World of Creation and Scientific Unified Professionals (WOCASUP) and told that the largest and most deadly asteroids would be falling directly over Derby City within the next day. They were assured that the result would be the total annihilation and destruction of the immediate Derby City area. All life there would be wiped off the map… forever. But, I’m sure you are more interested in what happened to the Heebeejeeby kids roped to the back of the giant monster spider. It had crossed the city back to the knobs to the top of a hill. I reckon I ought to tell you, imagine how a giant monster spider smells? It was pretty awful, like you’d expect a monster to smell. But then the spider’s spinnerets started to work. That’s where spiders make their silk. That made the smell extra foul, like its innards were now outer, and was maybe the worst smell in the entire history of the world, and the boys now regretted the adventure they had unwittingly gotten themselves into. As a matter of fact, they couldn’t help but barfing all over themselves. The spider smell was so bad, that the barf smell was like fresh apple pie and roses! It was a terrible scene. I gag just thinking about it. A giant glob of orange “stuff” came crashing down to the ground from under the monster and stuck there, and with one violent mighty leap, the spider was air born. The power of the jump was so strong that the monster and the boys were halfway across Derby City Before reaching highest altitude. By the time they came crashing down they were on top of a hill on the opposite bank of the river overlooking the valley, one long orange, huge, spider silk trailing taut in the air behind them for miles. Then there was another mighty jump, like the last, and the monster and the boys were in another part of the countryside, with another bright orange spider silk trailing tightly and secure behind. I’ve got to tell you. Those boys were pretty brave given the circumstances. And for their part, they made the best of the situation. There was no crying and they weren’t afraid, but they did get motion sick, to say the least. Not only did they have to deal with the smell, but they had to deal with the greatest roller coaster ride, bucking bronco in the history of mankind. Astronauts training for space couldn’t hold a candle to the kind of forces they felt on this monster spider’s back. Every time they would jump to a new location, they would throw up a little bit, then look at each other, cheer and laugh and then burp another nauseous stinky belch. They were kids being kids… on the back of an enormous monster spider from the center of the earth. After a couple dozen jumps the boys surmised that the monster was building a giant web. The only thing they could imagine was it was trying to build a web to catch food big enough for it to eat. Back and forth it jumped all day long crisscrossing thread after thread until the sun was setting, and then it was finished. There was a massive labyrinth or webbing, almost a dome over the valley and atop it in the very center were the Cave Hill Arachnomammoth… and the three Heebeejeeby boys. Once again, the spider was still, motionless, just waiting. The boys determined that was their chance of escape. They hiked from the back of the spider to the very end of one of the hind legs. Just as Juice was going to step off the end tip of a spider hair onto the bright orange web, Chopper told him to stop. You see spider webs are super sticky and so he figured if they stepped onto the web they would be trapped for good. So instead of walking to the ground using the web they would have to do something else… and they would have to do it quickly. The nighttime sky began to light up with streaks of white and yellow and red. The asteroids had begun to fall. At first they appeared as shooting stars burning out before reaching the ground. But then larger fireballs appeared, most falling between the gaps of the spider web and hitting the ground. The boys had to do something, so they decided to go straight down. They tied all their ropes together, and anything they had left to the end of the ropes and lowered it. They tied themselves to the rope using a good Boy Scout knot they had learned and began to slide down. Amazingly the spider just sat there petrified as the sky fell down around it. Larger pieces of asteroid fell and crashed into the spider web, jolting it, but sticking and stopping. The boys were halfway down the ropes when the worst of the asteroid storm started to hit. Very large fiery rocks came crashing through the sky and blasted the giant spider web. They burned and glowed but none of them passed through, stuck and suspended in the super strong sticky orange web. Juice, Chopper and Asher had reached the end of their rope… literally. They were stuck dangling nine hundred feet over the Pelewathiipi River. They were goners for sure. Large chunks of asteroid rained down crashing into the web and finally one massive world ending asteroid came crashing through the atmosphere straight toward the city. The monster spider flinched briefly, dangling its massive leg below the web. It dropped the boys to a mere 100 feet above the dark water. It was there one and only chance. They looked up and could see the asteroid reflecting in the black eyes of the Cave Hill Arachnomammoth. They let go of the rope and free fell 100 feet into the black water of the river with a giant splash. You know the scout motto… Be Prepared. Drifting down from the sky above was the last thing that Juice had grabbed from his backpack before they let go of the rope….. a self inflating raft. The boys swam to it and climbed in just in time to see the world ending asteroid smash into the Cave Hill Arachnomammoth on top of its web. There was an awful explosion in the air above the city. And the spider was no more, and the asteroid was no more, and the web….. was still there. The boys used their hands to paddle their way toward shore amidst slimy pieces of falling spider guts that smelled just terrible. In the light of day, the boys were reunited with the rest of the family. The citizens came up from underground. Other citizens simply came out from hiding. They all looked up at the web, the web that had saved everyone’s life, built by the monster that was now a slimy mess suspended in mid air. Along with the monster’s dead carcass were asteroids suspended in place above the valley. It was a miracle. The world had not come to an end after all. And they lived happily ever after….. well not the Cave Hill Arachnomammoth. It was squashed, obliterated into a gooey slimy mess. So everyone else lived happily ever after….. well not the people responsible for cleaning up the monster spider parts and asteroids. Think of the smell of the monster and then think of the smell of the dead monster after it’d been in the sun a few days. Yes, it was a real barf fest! Eventually they all lived happily ever after. And to top things off….. all the spider monkeys were caught and returned to the zoo! The End!
Posted on: Tue, 29 Oct 2013 12:32:24 +0000
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