August 27, 2012 – August 27, 2013: 525,600 Minutes. While I have to admit that Rent is not my favorite musical, the lyrics from one of the most well known songs resonate through my heart and soul.It’s been 525,600 minutes since I kissed my beloved Jack goodbye; 525,600 minutes since I heard his voice, breathed in the smell of his sweet head, touched the soft skin of his face, and held the hand of my beautiful boy. Many of these minutes have been spent wondering how I will go on and live to keep breathing, but I have . . . our family has . . . and we hope we are doing it in a way that honors our Jack and his memory, his legacy, and his happiness. I haven’t been able to come to CaringBridge like I used to in an effort to pour out the emotions felt in my heart because it has simply been too painful. I have opted for the simpler means of Facebook or other such options to provide updates as coming here is yet another reminder of our loss and of the lost hope that I held tight to and wrote about for nearly seven years. But as we hit this milestone, a milestone no parent should have to hit, I knew I must write. These 525,600 minutes have been some of the hardest I could have ever imagined. I apologize to John often for being a grieving, post-partum, nursing mom - it’s not always a good color on me. And just about the time I hoped we could begin to discover our ‘new normal,’ my own mom was diagnosed with invasive breast cancer. How is it that one little family must endure yet another blow from the monster known as cancer. Let me tell you, ifthis is ‘God’s plan’ at work, it isn’t working for me. I think there still remains a small part of me that believes if we can prove ourselves worthy, prove we can survive, and prove we have made a difference, Jack will return to us. Though I know this is impossible, I try to carry on with the knowledge that he never really left. Though his physical presence is no longer with us, his spirit is ever near. There are signs from Jack both large and small that make me catch my breath. Happily, I am not the only one who has witnessed the signs as Annie has had her own moments that make both her and me so very sentimental. Even John, with his stoic skepticism, can’t deny the signs and signals. I believe Jack’s light and love are always around us, but it certainly doesn’t help my aching arms stop wanting to holdhim just one more time. One of my greatest fears is that people will now assume because we have made it through this year and all the ‘firsts’ without Jack, we will now be ‘better.’ Let me tell you, this is not a broken bone we are healing from and ‘better’ will never be a word to describe how we feel; this wound will never heal. Rather, we will always miss Jack and will never stop shedding tears over this tremendous loss, but we hope, in time, the wound will not seem quite so deep. We escaped the certain sadness of being at home with a little trip north to Door County. John, Annie and I all felt we needed to be away and be together, but we didn’t want it to be in a place that held too many memories. We only came to the area once for a brief overnight with the kids many moons ago when we believed hope would see us through. And while we still hold tight to hope of a different sort, we know we must also hold tight to those who know and feel our pain. We spent our evening dining with the mom of Jack’s dear friend Bo, an amazing boy we love but who also found his ultimate cure in Heaven just one month after Jack. We cried, we talked, we marveled at baby Tommy, and we missed our boys. The good news is that we know Bo and Jack are together and we know they were happy we were together as well. One year ago I held my sweet Jack wishing he had the chance to know his little brother; today, I hold my sweet Tommy wishing he had the chance to know his big brother. 525,600 minutes. How do you measure a year? Intears and laughter, sleepless nights of missing and sleepless nights of holding, in lost hugs and gained kisses, in memories and moments, in seasons of despair and seasons of love. I can’t imagine living another minute without Jack, let alone the years of 525,600 minutes ahead. But live we will and make a difference we must not for Jack but because of Jack and with hope that other families will not have know one minute of a loss like ours. The seasons of our love will bring spring blossoms and dark winters, but we will look for the eternal sunshine of our Jack to light our way. I love you Jack . .. in every minute of today, tomorrow, and always. Mommy, daddy, Annie and Tommy will always back Jack.
Posted on: Tue, 27 Aug 2013 14:00:06 +0000
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