Being vulnerable is a crucial part of being a compassionate and empathetic creature. This being so I think it may be helpful for me to do a little public display of what has been my emotional state. As is common for me, the winters are a particularly trying time. The shortened hours of daylight and lessening of well paying jobs often combines to form a period of melancholy, anxiety, and rampant fear. I spend a great deal of time in bed, I have a hard time answering the phone, and generally forget what motivates me take action on a daily basis. It was one day during the winter of 2014 when I felt my happiness drain out of me, like a tide. It seemed like only a matter of days that anything I might consider triumphant was crushed into a gravely dust. My human relationships suffer from a pervasive sense of shame. My internal script limits itself to various modes of escape, some of which involve personal harm. It is an ugly bit of theater. As Ive aged, these periods have become less frequent and more seasonal. From adolescence through my mid twenties these periods could happen any time of year. In my late twenties, much to the credit of finding a community that challenged me in the right ways as well as dietary changes and personal practices, I was able to get my emotional shifts more under control, although not eradicated. I know that I am not alone in having periods of despair. I also know that the life I lead is a miraculous story. Ive sustained no profound traumas at the hands of other nor have I any health issues. I am not what you would consider poor and I have had no great losses through the death of friends or family. I am, what some might consider, blessed. My struggles are as typical as can be. Finding work, courage to pursue dreams, maintaining a household, and relationships. Of all my struggles keeping my sense of Ego, entitlement, and self importance in check is the hardest of them all. Ive never been one to try and keep my FB posts positive for the sake of image and neither have I had ranted to the point of misguided anger. Ive loved this medium as a platform for sharing the human experience. The days are lengthening and a new year is upon us. Ive had a spell of despondency and have not been abandoned by my loved ones, even if I may have tried to push them away. This, more than anything else, brings me back, and reminds me that I am blessed and not at all done with this life. I am grateful that my latest cycle is easing. Im grateful that advice Ive given to others in times of trouble is available to me for reintegrating into my daily practice. This is my confession. My coming clean for the New Year. My admission that I am often weak and scared. The truth sets us free and choice is the vehicle of our aspirations. There are a couple of parables and mantras that I think of during these times. One is the story of the two wolves... ONE EVENING, AN ELDERLY CHEROKEE BRAVE TOLD HIS GRANDSON ABOUT A BATTLE THAT GOES ON INSIDE PEOPLE. HE SAID MY SON, THE BATTLE IS BETWEEN TWO WOLVES INSIDE US ALL. ONE IS EVIL. IT IS ANGER, ENVY, JEALOUSY, SORROW, REGRET, GREED, ARROGANCE, SELF-PITY, GUILT, RESENTMENT, INFERIORITY, LIES, FALSE PRIDE, SUPERIORITY, AND EGO. THE OTHER IS GOOD. IT IS JOY, PEACE LOVE, HOPE SERENITY, HUMILITY, KINDNESS, BENEVOLENCE, EMPATHY, GENEROSITY, TRUTH, COMPASSION AND FAITH. THE GRANDSON THOUGH ABOUT IT FOR A MINUTE AND THEN ASKED HIS GRANDFATHER: WHICH WOLF WINS?... THE OLD CHEROKEE SIMPLY REPLIED, THE ONE THAT YOU FEED Happy New Year to you All.
Posted on: Fri, 09 Jan 2015 19:25:09 +0000