Blast from the past, Church of Cod Welcome welcome WELCOME! To the Church of Jeebus Carp, Spawn of Cod and the Wholly Mackeral! SON of Parthenogenic Mary! Most Wholly Redeemer of Mary Remoralane (a shark sucker of ill repute, but fairly well to do and with no small skills)! Welcome ALL you sinners! IT IS EASTER AND THE LORRRRDDDD HAS RIZZZZZ! Father Theresa cannot join us today. He is investigating reports of a snakehead fish in a pond in Maryland that recites scripture when people toss it baitfish. Me, Im Dear Dino, Flounder and D-Con of the Church of Cod. In The Book (Your New Aquarium, Dr Herb Axelrod, Icthyologist, 1954, TFH Publications), In the Chapter of GENUS, Paragraphs 2-5, lines 17-67.... And Jeebus Carp was happy in the two gallon bowl of spring water with the multicolored gravel and the faux epoxy resin castle on the end table in Mrs Flannigans walk-up third floor flat in East Hamwicke, but one day a pigeon flew by the window, and the shadow startled Jeebus so he jumped- clear out of the bowl and onto the floor. He flopped around furiously, gill plates heaving... Hours later Mrs Flannigan returned home, and went to feed little Jeebus, but he was not there. She searched and searched, but Jeebus was not to be found anywhere. That evening, as she ran the Swiffer over the floor, under the couch across the room from the bowl, wrapped in dust bunnies, was a dry, stiff Jeebus swept up. Mrs Flannigan tossed him in the bowl sadly, to flush him later, and went back to cleaning up. Before bed, Mrs Flannigan took the bowl to the bathroom, not noticing that little Jeebus was no longer floating, but laying on his side at the bottom, and dumped his bowl and gravel (saving the faux epoxy resin castle) and his twitching carcass and flushed, a tear in her eye for her little friend, a sad prayer on her lips, and Jeebus disappeared down the soilpipe. Mrs. Flannigans toilet went unused for three days, as she had been working double shifts and did all her business at work on break, but Sunday was here, and as she flushed, the water swirled and rose, nearly to overflowing. Must have a clog from that fecking gravel! she exclaimed. So she went and got the plumbers helper, and after plunging a few times, who should rise in the toilet...but JEEBUS CARP!!! Spawn of Cod and the Holy Mackeral!!! BACK FROM THE DEAD!!! Carp! Its a feckin miracle, it is!, and she scooped him up in her denture cup, and filled his bowl which she fetched from the pantry with fresh spring water, and reported it to her good friend, Father Theresa, who formed the Church of Jeebus Carp with Dear Dino. And we celebrate the rising of Carp to this day on arbitrary random dates ranging between the end of February and the beginning of May to confuse the Devil Fish.... And now, we shall break Loan with the offering of the Holy Sacrosancments, you may line up at the alter before Brother Terry....who shall be first? Ahhh, brother Troy... So the Lord Jeebus sayeth unto the Twelve Discusfish- Eat of my Tetraminflakes, for they shall make your fins strong, your colors bright, and give you firm filamentous stools half as long as thy body.... Brother Troy: Mmmm...shrimp and seaweed! Like sushi! Dino: And Jeebus saith: Drink, drink of my urine, for it brings health benefits and cleanses the body systems and gives you supple skin... Brother Troy: PFFFFTTTTTT!!! {spit!}}} Jeebus! This tastes like PISS! Dino: What part of urine did you not get, Troy? (Line of parishioners returns to pews without sacrosanctments} Okay, no more takers? Well THANK YOU sinners for joining us in this celebration! Remember, if your Ressurection lasts more than 4 hours, seek advice from your physician. And NOW>>> PLEASE lift you voices with the fine and lovely ladies of the Cabellas Tacklebox Choir, Hymn 22, and remember, when in doubt? PRAY you bedraggled sinning lumps of chum! Of course we have our FREE all you can eat shrimp and crablegs buffet, and trays of sugar donuts and Redbull to fire up the kiddies for Gramma and Grandpa today. And dont forget the ANNUAL CAVIAR HUNT AT NOON!!! The Rabbitfish has been busy hiding spawn for all the good fingerlings, so stick around!!! The Blues Brothers - Can you see the light?! LLLADIESSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! https://youtube/watch?v=xzNyVPbx3gI
Posted on: Sun, 21 Dec 2014 19:25:33 +0000
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