Breathing is a privilege, time is a gift. One of the biggest mistakes one can possibly do is taking life for granted. It is the White Rose that all of a sudden appears and vanishes before I can catch the thought. I threw 3 white roses on her coffin. With every rose I threw a part of myself into the grave and buried it. Her mom calls me as soon as my plane lands in my homecountry and asks me to prepare the grave. She wants us to put flowers all around it and make it look beautiful. The thought of it kills me, it sickens me to make her grave look nice but I say I will do it. Her mom picks me up from home and I havent seen her in 3 months because I was traveling around the globe. I cant look her in the eyes but I know she gives me a little smile when we greet. Silence in the car. Neither her sister says something nor her brother. We are heading to the graveyard with endless buckets of flowers. The funeral would be in a couple of hours so we have to prepare everything. Preparing...God, this word sounds so ridiculous in contemplation of death, doesnt it? Ive always hated graveyards, I would always avoid them. I remember years ago when we were out for a jog she suggested to go through exactly this graveyard, to overcome my fear of cemeteries she said and laughed...who would have known she would be buried exactly there just a couple of years later at the age of 20. Mind pictures. Back in the car with her mom. Tears rolling down my face. Silence. I am looking out of the window. Looking at the streets we had been walking together on since we were children. Every day. Every time. Laughing. Now it was the silence of the dead that broke this image into pieces. We arrive at the graveyard. Her grave is ready, it is right next to a fir tree. Silence of the dead. We take the flowers and I slowly approach the place she will rest in for a long time. Her name is written there. Its ridiculous that her name is written there like something that once existed a long time ago and is not here anymore. I dont understand. The grave is dark and deep. Her mother says Lets make her a nice bed. and gets teary eyes. She throws a flower into the grave. I wonder if she is watching us right now, preparing her grave. Looking at me. I take the flowers. And throw them into the dark. It is a dull fall morning, almost like in the movies where the weather harmonizes with Death. I loved her more than anything else in this world and it hurts so much. It feels like pain has replaced all the love. During our very last face to face conversation when she dropped me at the airport I said Dont cry, stupid! Its not the last time we see each other! And she smiled and said Youre right!. I wish I was. Silence. Im thinking Throwing these colorful flowers into the grave doesnt make it unhappen! Why do we have to make something like this look more beautiful I hate myself. I am angry at myself. I hate myself for not giving her the gift I had brought her from Brazil. I would always forget it and it has been in my drawer since ages. All the flowers are gone now. We made her a nice bed. A nice bed... Guys, I have always been very hard on myself, throughout my entire life. And until today I hate myself for not doing all the things I wanted to do together with her. Who would have known...I want you to take a second and realize that somebody you would die for could die right now. Death is everywhere and it shows no mercy. Before she had the car accident I would never even think about death, it would always be something so unrealistic to me and I know that a lot of people out there think like that. Dont. I want you to go home today and tell your parents how much you love them. Tell you brother and sister how much they mean to you. Love with all of your heart, do whatever comes on your mind, never postpone anything. It happened over a year ago and these images and the pain are still haunting me and I can not show it. Call your friends, your best friends, tell them how much you love them because trust me, one day when it is too late you might be alive but you wont feel alive. I have a request just like my first confession and I want to thank you all for the prayers back then. Please pray for her soul to be forgiven and rest in peace. ttiabNF. Sincerely, The White Rose.
Posted on: Sun, 20 Oct 2013 21:06:49 +0000