Bringing back #MondayMusings ;) {On the perceived utility of misery} I asked Shawn Achor last week in the JillFit interview what he would say to someone who was hanging onto their negativity because they felt like it was serving them. In other words, in some cases, do we actively *choose* misery? I mean, we say we want to be happier, more successful, more at peace, freer, less stressed. But then, how come some people transcend that easily and others cant seem to get a leg up? Is it just coincidence? Bad luck? So I have to ask, Are we addicted to our pain? Shawns response was from the scientific POV -- he called it defensive pessimism and said that it doesnt work in practice. Using negative motivators like self-berating doesnt actually help change our behavior in the long-term. Great, but what about those of us who feel like staying in the victim role serves us? Maybe we dont think about it that way consciously, but I know that for me, during the first 29 years of my life, playing the victim and garnering pity was natural, normal. In some ways it was how I derived my sense of self-worth. And if I were to take a more positive outlook or gasp! actually experience success, it would force me to assume that ownership that I was scared of. It would force me to be accountable and face the reality that my outcomes were *my* responsibility. I think this is the crux of self-sabotage. Think about it. Once you achieve THAT THING that feels so elusive, -- like losing that last 10 lbs or getting that promotion at work that you say you want so badly but are secretly terrified of getting -- theres no one else to blame if you fail. Dare I call it a fear of ... success? This is tricky. And scary. And requires we assume ALL of the responsibility. The option to play the victim, which is infinitely easier because we get to sit back and blame and complain, is no longer available. My current practice: When I feel like Im stuck, I ask first and foremost, how am I actively creating this scenario? What is it that Im reluctant to change or adjust? How am I subconsciously blocking myself? And usually it comes down to ownership. So I check in -- how am I perpetuating this misery? And whats one single thing I can do right now to change my outcomes? Usually the answer is just adjusting my attitude. I cant always control outcomes, but I can always control how I *interpret* those outcomes. The answer is always, for me, radical responsibility
Posted on: Mon, 15 Dec 2014 14:02:57 +0000
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