CHANGE YOUR REACTION, CHANGE YOUR LIFE Let’s explore the two faces of business- the clear, crisp Kodak image that companies present to the outside world, versus the day-to-day reality of working in any company, which is usually messy, complicated, political, and full of EMOTIONAL TRAPS. On the surface, business is about making money, delivering goods and services, and producing results. The focus is usually on crunching numbers, meeting deadlines, and increasing sales. We assess individual companies by their empirical facts-profit and loss, cash flow, stock options, and growth potential. Scratch the rational surface of any company, however, and you discover a hotbed of emotions: people feeling anxious about performance, angry with coworkers, and misunderstood by management. You find leaders who are burnt out and assistants who are buried in resentment. For example: Folake is the administrative assistant to the managing director of an insurance firm. Early each morning, this MD leaves piles of work on Folake’s desk with a note: “Off to scare up more business. Please take of these things before I return.” Folake arrives at the office, sees the stack of papers on her desk, and immediately feels anxious and overwhelmed. “My boss always gives me more work that I can possibly complete in one day,” she complains. “I can’t get her to meet with me and prioritise the workload.” If Folake doesn’t finish everything, she’s labeled “inefficient” or “lacking initiative.” These individuals feel trapped by their circumstances, stuck in a losing game. They’re unable to free themselves from a bad situation. Because business calls for unemotional behavior, their feelings remain largely unexpressed and suppressed. They think their options are just to suck it up or quit. I call the experience of feeling caught in an emotional distressing situation at work being hooked. If you find yourself consistently having a strong negative internal reaction to someone or something in your work environment or relationship, you are probably hooked. Emotional hooks vary widely from person to person, job to job and relationship to relationship. Something as trivial as the nasal tone of a colleague’s or partner’s voice or as weighty as a manager’s/partner’s personality disorder can hook you. A hook can be as simple as a rude remark or as complex as professional sabotage. If you are a living, breathing, thinking, feeling, normal human being, there’s a good chance that you’ve encountered people and circumstances at work and relationship that work you. In some cases, the incident may generate only mild irritation. In some cases, you may reach a point where you feel like the person or situation is literally killing you. We’ve met hardworking individuals who want to be productive and happy at work and relations, but instead feel emotionally trapped in numerous ways. They feel overwhelmed, overworked, underutilised, over-utilised, undermined, disrespected, discounted, interrupted, over nagged, interrogated, sidetracked, steamrolled, set up, and fed up. Their job descriptions and situations differ, but their experiences are the same. Work and relationship eats up more time than any activity in most people’s lives. At a time when our culture places such emphasis on feeling good, being happy; and having it all, why is that so many people are dissatisfied at work and in their relationship? Experience reveals it’s largely because they feel trapped, hooked into positions, relationships, and situations that zap their energy, invade their thoughts, and keep them stuck in no-win positions. The workplace affords numerous opportunities to get hooked, and almost no guidance about how to deal with it, and so is it with relationships. It’s appropriate to go to the boss with questions regarding production, accounts receivable, or sales figures. These are nonemotional, factual issues that can be addressed objectively. But when you feel nauseous after a staff meeting, a certain account gives you a migraine or an encounter makes you uncomfortable, where do you turn? Getting caught in your own anger doesn’t help; in fact, the normal reaction when someone else’s behavior upsets you is to blame your internal responses on that individual’s conduct. In many cases, your response to the situation may make perfect sense. Vicious office/neighbourhood gossip is infuriating. An incompetent coworker can be maddening. When a diva of a customer/partner wouldn’t return calls it does feel insulting. But, your righteous indignation doesn’t improve anything. It just keeps you hooked. There is a way out. You don’t necessarily have to quit your job or relationship. You can stay right where you are and still have a different, more satisfying experience. Thousands of people transform their workplace and relationship from a den of personal frustration to an arena for professional and relational development. Working with executives, managers, and employees from every industry shows that the most effective way to resolve interpersonal problems in the workplace is to approach the situation from the inside out. It is learnt that the key to dealing effectively with difficult people and situations at work and relationship is to manage our internal responses first. Internal response is the automatic reaction that someone else’s behavior triggers inside of you. People lose it in different ways. You may heat up, blow up, shut down, freeze up, or go into a tailspin. If you can change your reaction, you’ll change your life The activity of changing your reaction to emotionally upsetting circumstances at work and relationship is called unhooking. Unhooking is a system that gives you tools for managing yourself and taking charge of your life. Whether you feel caught in political crossfire, trapped by a difficult coworker/partner, or held hostage by the antics of a certain department/person, you can unhook and take practical steps to change your behavior and create a different result. Unhooking provides an alternative to your automatic reactions: You can despise the malicious office/neighbourhood gossip or you can unhook by setting clear boundaries and showing a lack of interest. You can judge the incompetent coworker/unloving partner or you can unhook by lowering your expectations and avoiding the negative impact of that person’s ineptitude. You can feel insulted by the customer/partner who wouldn’t return your calls of you can unhook-take it in stride and accept it as part of life. There are four essential steps to unhooking. Step 1- Unhook physically Step 2- Unhook mentally Step 3- Unhook verbally Step 4- Unhook with a business tool The first two steps, unhooking physically and mentally, help you release negative emotions and calm down your system. The second two steps, unhooking verbally and with a business tool, involve taking actions to change your experience. Unhook physically: Calm the body and release unwanted negative energy so that you can see your situation more clearly. Physical unhooking begins with focusing on your breath, because emotional discomfort normally produces shallow breathing, which inhibits your ability to think clearly. As you consciously breathe in deeply and gently, you can also scan your body to determine how and where you may be holding tension Unhook mentally: Unhooking mentally is the internal version of talking to yourself down off the ledge. It involves looking at your difficult situation from a fresh perspective. The goal is to view your circumstances objectively and see what practical options are available. The rational part of your brain must help the emotional part of your brain cool off, calm down, and strategise. Unhook mentally begins with a quick inventory of the situation: What’s happening here? What are the facts of the situation? What’s their part? What’s my part? What are my options Unhook verbally: Find the words (or sometimes the silence) to protect yourself and get out of an emotional trap. Verbal unhooking may involve finding ways to say no without jeopardizing your job or relationship, speaking up when you feel overlooked, or tolerating your boss’s or partner’s temporary silence immediately after you ask for a raise/something. Unhook with a business tool: Business tool is any standard procedure or written document used in a business setting. It includes contracts, timesheets, job descriptions, memos, performance reviews, company’s policies and procedures, and other forms of documentation. Business tools help depersonalize challenging situations by providing objective ways to track events and measure performance. To unhook, survey the business tools available to you and identify which ones can help improve your situation. Are you hooked emotionally? You can actually unhook yourself from this emotional bondage.
Posted on: Thu, 22 Aug 2013 09:19:13 +0000
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