CW: fat shaming, bullying, abuse, suicide attempts, importance of the fat positivity/ body liberationist movements: As a young, fat, trans*, queer, P.E. was brutally violent. As a student, I was forced to disavow whatever I was, to subsume my body and identity in the name of supposed teamwork (conformity?), and some heteronormative, cisnormative, bodynormative ideal (definitely conformity). We were made to undress in front of one another, and in cases like mine, subject ourselves daily to the intrusive, bullying and violent body appraisals and commentary of our peers and coaches, don identical (and again, in cases like mine, painfully ill fitting) garments, and do things with our bodies that were intended to trim, reshape and muscularize them; to me at least, it felt annihilating, but in order to avoid shaming, verbal abuse from faculty, staff and my peers, (as well as actual physical abuse from my peers,) Id have to take part in PhysEd. To do so however, meant (at least to me,) that I agreed with my tormentors; to take part in these physical rituals felt like an admission that I too hated my body, and that therefore, those who shamed, taunted, teased and beat me for being fat, queer and feminine, were right. There was no dissenting voice back then, no mantra of all bodies are good bodies, no voice that told me I could be healthy/worthy/beautiful at any size. There was only the monolithic, bullying message that told me I was embarrassing. I was less than (ironic?). I was a failure, and I was inhuman. Never doubt for a second how profoundly these messages affect a 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17 or 18 year old, in fact, never doubt how profoundly they affect one at any age. I DID hate my body back then; I hated the obviousness of it; I hated that- no matter how many bulky layers I put on in the South Florida, subtropical heat, I couldnt hide the fact that I was fat, but I would not be complicit in my own emotional and spiritual slaughter. I chose the only course I perceived that would allow me to retain my fragile sense of self. When I was 12, I tried for the first time to kill myself. There were literally countless subsequent attempts, including but not limited to passive suicide (unregulated, self destructive behavior designed to facilitate death), one of which landed me in the adolescent psychiatric unit of Miami Childrens Hospital. Im so thankful that now there is a dissenting voice by way of the fat positivity/body liberationist movement. I cant begin to explain how important it is. I was unsuccessful in my suicide attempts, but growing up, I had a few friends who werent. I wish they were still here, that someone had been around to tell them that they were worthy, that everything about them was wonderful.
Posted on: Mon, 04 Aug 2014 12:40:38 +0000
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