Calvinist Dictionary A dictionary to help Arminians better understand Calvinist terminology. (Don’t take this too seriously, this is meant in good fun) All: The elect Altar Call: An insult to God Arminianism: Man centered theology Assurance: hoping that you’re elect Augustine: The first church father. Calvinism: The gospel Call (effectual): to be irresistibly dragged Call (general): God’s justification to condemn the reprobate. Catholicism: What Arminianism leads to. Compatiblism: We are free to do whatever the Potter decrees us to do. Contradiction: a mystery Doctrines of Grace: Term that helps illustrate how God has given us Calvinists superior insight. Usage example: “I was an Arminian before being illuminated by the Doctrines of Grace.” Doris Day: Singer of truth To Draw: To drag Easy believism: The false idea that you can believe in Jesus Christ and be saved. Can a rotten corpse believe? Nope, neither can you. Eisegesis: Any Arminian interpretation of a difficult passage (thanks Ben) Emergent: Synonymous with “heretic”, unless your name happens to be Mark Driscoll. Esau: Someone God hated, not for any reason though. Everyone: The elect Exegesis: Any interpretation by James White, after all he’s a Greek scholar. faith (1): Something that the elect are zapped with after regeneration. faith (2): A work that gives pride to Arminians. Fatalism: Nothing to see here, move along. Faux Pas: Coming to church with a Bible translation other than the ESV. Finney, Charles: Wicked man who ravaged the evangelical movement. (Really) To Foreknow: To decree or to love, absolutely nothing to do with knowing before. Four Point Calvinist: An Arminian Frankenstein: Cool story about a dead monster that got zapped with lightning and then became alive. Great parallel to the way we are regenerated. Free Will: Something that can’t exist because it would make God helpless if true. Glory: Praise we give to God for anything wicked that has ever happened (except for the birth of Charles Finney). God’s secret will: To save a few and reprobate the rest (secret to Arminians but not to us). God’s revealed will: a mystery Gospel of John: anything by John Piper Hebrews: Skip this book and read the Gospel of John instead. Hyper-Calvinists: Calvinists who care more about consistency than looking good. Infralapsarianism: See “Four Point Calvinist”. Infant damnation: Something that brings God glory. James: Book that Luther wanted thrown out of the canon. Jesus Loves Me, This I Know: Misleading children’s song. Jesus Loves the Little Children: Another terrible song, obviously written by someone who didn’t take the time to do a proper exegesis of scripture. John 3:16: Enigmatic verse. One must be a scholar to properly understand this passage. James White’s unbiased insights are recommended. Kosmos: Greek word that means “elect”. The Living Bible: I hope you’re joking. Missions: A complete waste of time, see “altar call” for more info. Mystery: The way God decrees sin but is not responsible for it. NIV: Word for thought translation is heresy. Paul: Author of Romans 9 Pelagian: Name to call Arminians, extra points if they don’t know what it means. Polemic Atheist: Another name to call Arminians, good diversionary tactic when appealing to John Owen doesn’t work. Preaching the Gospel: Something God commands, but the reason why is a mystery. Pride: Something that works-based Arminians have in abundance, but we Calvinists don’t after being chosen by God. Regeneration: See “Frankenstein”. Reprobate: Those whom God justly damns to maximize His glory. Rick Warren: worthless author, read something by John Gill instead. The Road to Rome: Where synergism always leads to. Robot: Don’t say that word! Servetus: A heretic who got what he deserved. Shipwreck: Misleading term, because the “ship” wasn’t really floating in the first place. Sovereignty: meticulous micromanagement Supralapsarianism: God orchestrated the fall for His glory, the central truth of scripture. Wesley, John: A false apostle of free will (not kidding) Whitefield, George: Wesley’s superior Whosoever: The elect World: The elect
Posted on: Thu, 10 Jul 2014 08:13:49 +0000
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