Cancer Update: A couple weeks ago I met with my oncologist to get the results of a PET scan. All of my treatments were done and it was supposed to be the all-is-clear-go-live-your-life meeting, but once again I confirmed my doctors observation that everything is complicated with me. The radiologist said there was a suspicious spot on my rib near where the original tumor was located. My doctor assured me he didnt think it was anything but he ordered a CT scan that afternoon and called back with the results, Its not a tumor, but it doesnt look quite right. He reiterated that he didnt think it was anything to worry about, but wed get another scan in 3 months and keep an eye on it. After a day of stewing in frustration that I couldnt seem to get out from under the dark shadow of cancer I decided that radiologists are always seeing things that arent there and that I would move on. I imagined that they get bored sitting in front of computer screens so they occasionally haze cancer patients with inconclusive, non-actionable findings. I added passive-aggressive thoughts about radiologists to my repertoire of coping mechanisms. I hadnt thought much about it until two weeks later when I felt sharp pain at the location of the suspicious rib. One of the first questions they ask when I visit the oncologist is, Do you have any new pain. I had new pain and it felt hauntingly similar to the pain of the original onset of cancer. My doctor immediately ordered an MRI and I immediately leapt into the abyss of imagining more chemo, more radiation, maybe even a stem-cell transplant. I was sure the cancer was back. Nancy and I cried and wobbled through the day. Then, after a few days, the pain went away and we found out last Thursday that the MRI results came back clear. No cancer. (I take back all those bad things I said about my radiologist.) One moment we were tearfully bracing for death and, in the next, joyfully planning for life. For almost a year it has often felt like my life was on hold, awaiting the “all clear,” but this latest series of events has reminded me that I will never be totally free from lingering anxieties. The idea of having all the loose ends tied up is an illusion. Before I had cancer there were plenty of other “suspicious spots” I was waiting to resolve before I imagined I could move forward. It turns out life is always lived on the harrowing edge of uncertainty. Cancer continues to teach me that the challenge is to stop waiting and embrace each day – move forward, start something, help somebody, learn a new skill, listen to a stranger, hug a friend, forgive an enemy, do the work, give yourself a break, pick huckleberries, eat half of them before you get back to the car, pay attention to beauty, eat family style, write a poem, plant a tree, say a prayer, and “practice resurrection.” (Wendell Berry) What are we waiting for? (Feel free to add your own recommended activity to my list.)
Posted on: Mon, 18 Aug 2014 18:46:08 +0000
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