Characteristics of the Subtle Narcissistic Abuser... Part 1 1. Everything they do is deniable. There is always a facile excuse or an explanation. Cruelties are couched in loving terms. Aggressive and hostile acts are paraded as thoughtfulness. Selfish manipulations are presented as gifts.Criticism and slander is slyly disguised as concern. They only want what is best for you. They only want to help you. They rarely say right out that they think youre inadequate. Instead, any time that you tell them youve done something good, counter with something your friend or better they did that was better or simply ignores you or they hear you out without saying anything, then in a short time does something cruel to you so you understand not to get above yourself. They will carefully separate cause (your joy in your accomplishment) from effect (refusing to let you to go out with your friends, or insist on coming along) after enough time someone who didnt live through their abuse would never believe the connection. Many of their putdowns are simply by comparison. They will talk about how wonderful someone else is or what a wonderful job they did on something youve also done or how highly they thinks of them. The contrast is left up to you. They have let you know that youre no good without saying a word. They will spoil your pleasure in something by simply congratulating you for it in an angry, envious voice that conveys how unhappy they are, again, completely deniably. It is impossible to confront someone over their tone of voice, their demeanor or the way they look at you, but once your narcissist has you trained, they can promise terrible punishment without a word. As a result, youre always afraid, always in the wrong, and can never exactly put your finger on why. Because the abusiveness is part of a lifelong campaign of control and because they are careful to rationalize their abuse, it is extremely difficult to explain to other people what is so bad about them. They are also careful about when and how they engage in their abuses. They are very secretive, a characteristic of almost all abusers (Dont publicize our personal life!) and will punish you for telling anyone else what they have done. The times and locations of their worst abuses are carefully chosen so that no one who might intervene will hear or see their bad behavior, and they will seem like a completely different person in public. They will put you down you to other people, but will always embed their devaluing nuggets of snide gossip in protestations of concern, love and understanding (I feel so sorry for poor Amy. She seems to have gone over the edge, but I just dont know what I can do for her!) As a consequence the vivtims of narcissists universally report that no one believes them (I have to tell you that they always talk about YOU in the most caring way! They are really sad.) Unfortunately therapists, given the deniable actions of the narcissists, will often jump to the narcissists defense as well, reinforcing your sense of isolation and helplessness (Im sure he/she didnt mean it like that!) 2. They violate your boundaries. You feel like an extension of them. Your property is given away without your consent, sometimes in front of you. Your food is eaten off your plate. Your property may be repossessed and no reason given other than that it was never yours. Your time is committed without consulting you, and opinions purported to be yours are expressed for you. She would says she will talk to you.) You are discussed in your presence as though you are not there. They keeps tabs on your illnesses or diagnosis and humiliates you by divulging the information they glean, especially when it can be used to demonstrate their devotion and highlight their martyrdom to your needs (Amy had that problem with frequent IBS too, only HERS was much worse. I was so worried about her!) When you are away they goes through your things regularly. They asks nosy questions, listen into your conversations Questions the need for medications. They will want to dig into your feelings, particularly painful ones at the most inopportune times. They are always looking for negative information on you which can be used against you. Stuff that can spoken to subtly undermine your credibility. They do things against your expressed wishes frequently. (Bring a stranger home after being asked not to and leaves you to tend to them.) All of this is done without seeming to understand your upset or concern. Apologies are monotone and insincere. Attempts at autonomy on your part is passively resisted. You are grudgingly allowed, only to insist on texting you a hundred times with aloof messages. Later punish you by picking a fight. Puts their lack control over on you, gives you the silent treatment, then claims you are difficult and ridicules you. 3. They favoritize. Narcissist commonly set you up to be the scapegoat for their shortcomings. The narcissist identifies someone you dont, taking their side one day and then the opposite opinion the next. You are always at fault. This creates divisions between you and your family.That division will be fostered by the narcissist with lies and with blatantly unfair and favoritizing behavior. Your family and friends indirectly perpetuate the abuse by finding reasons to blame you for the problems, some may also directly take on the narcissists task by patronizing insulting and abusing you. 4. They undermine. Your accomplishments are acknowledged only to the extent that they can take credit for them. Any success or accomplishment for which they cannot take credit is ignored or diminished. Any time you are to be center stage and there is no opportunity for them to be the center of attention, they will try to prevent the occasion altogether, or opts out of coming at the last minute. They leave early, or acts like its no big deal, slips in little wounding comments about how much better someone else did or how what you did wasnt as much as you could have done or as you think it is. They undermine you by picking fights with you or being especially unpleasant just before you have to make a major effort. Then acts put out if they have to do anything to support your opportunities or will outright refuse to do even small things in support of you. They will be nasty to you about things that are peripherally connected with your successes so that you find your joy in what youve done is tarnished, without ever saying anything directly about it. No matter what your success, they feel a need to take you down a peg about it. Continued tomorrow.
Posted on: Fri, 12 Dec 2014 03:09:49 +0000
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