Clearly this is from people flying American carriers. I cant imagine several of these things ever applying to an English airline. Some of them must be universal as they sound all too familiar and do make me giggle but I cant repost this tongue in cheek article without defending passengers on some fronts or Id feel horrible spreading some of these so called issues. Firstly: why would any airline not leave enough space for the last seat row to recline more or less the same as all the other seats? That just seems cruel and unfair unless that row is being sold at a discount price or being used only as last resort backup seating for flights that get overbooked. Secondly: why would you not get a meal just because youre in coach (thats economy to you and me). Why would you not deserve some degree of food just because you have a smaller seat? But maybe thats a short haul thing. Though I would advise, as kindly and compassionately as possible, to passengers who, after being handed a menu of what food is available for the main meal service, and then earnestly ask if they can have a bag of chips and two pizzas or a McDonalds (not joking, real requests), without even a hint of irony (then acting as if pizza not being available might as well mean we should just plough the plane into the ocean and be done with it), that you might want to stretch your legs next time youre on a plane and discover exactly where the aircraft engineers are hiding this mysterious shopping mall styled food court that we seem to have overlooked. Please, if you can find a branch of McDonalds or Pizza Hut somewhere behind the toilets at the three doors or a mezzanine floor of restaurants that weve been missing then we would absolutely love to know about all this because it would revolutionise flying for us all. But bless your optimism for asking, though it does rather worry me just how high we are setting the bar of expectation for some passengers if theyre expecting to find a branch of McDonalds on a Boeing 747. Have airlines somewhere got this up and running, putting us all to shame and installing one of those little carrousel sushi bar restaurants in the economy cabins? Because as earnestly as wed love to offer all that and more Im just not totally certain many airlines can keep up with that ambition just yet? Thirdly, however, Im happy to say Ive never heard of anyone clipping their toenails in the cabin or handing containers of urine to crew (bet someone replies to prove me wrong now Ive said that) there are always horror stories of some unpleasantly unusual behaviour but these are so few and far between that they almost become urban legends not something that happens on a daily basis. Perhaps Im just lucky or on my planes there is just a lovelier class of passenger, though giving used nappies to someone whos serving food to the people sat around you is perhaps something we can all agree is not a totally clever idea. You cant flush a nappy down the toilet but the washrooms do have bins in them. And lastly on pushing call bells: this is something that invokes virtual hostility in american flight attendants so Im led to believe, basing that entirely on anecdotal evidence and articles like this, by the sound of this article causing something on a scale from dismissive laughter to having your hand chopped off. On european airlines they wouldnt put a call bell there if they didnt expect people to sometimes need to use it. And if the lady next you you is having a stroke (no pun intended) or youre about to have an asthma attack or pass out from some unknown malaise then you press that call bell like youre playing mortal kombat 2 until the panel explodes if need be because thats what its there for and crew will come running. Playing jingle bells with your call bell because you fancy a whiskey might be a little more of a liberty but the crew of any decent airline are usually very forgiving under normal circumstances. Speaking personally of call bell etiquette that doesnt seem to quite have been totally agreed upon yet: pushing a call bell a few times during a long flight if you need something (within reason of there being 450 or more passengers and only about a dozen crew at best) doesnt really bother most crew that Ive met as they wouldnt be cabin crew if they didnt enjoy wanting to help and look after people. However; pushing your bell then staring blankly at the crew member like a zombie when they politely respond to your call for assistance, or reacting as if the crew are about to attack you when they ask how they can help, then denying any knowledge of what a call bell is or how it got pressed, (perhaps imagining that setting off passenger call bells by remote control just to pass the time is something cabin crew do) is potentially likely to destabilise the sanity levels of even the most well meaning crew after ten hours. We understand that there are lots of tiny buttons everywhere on some planes and that the entertainment controls arent always instantly understandable without a little trial and error but if pushing one particular button results in a light above your head flashing on, accompanied by a distinct bing sound over the loud speakers above you then please dont presume this is a novel part of new cabin disco lighting. It may be possible that what youve just done is pushed your call bell and either turning it off again with either that same or an adjacent button or apologising to the crew member who does appear for the mistake will instantly win the affectionate hearts and minds of even the most sleep deprived staff. Crew love you all dearly but there are only so many frightened or totally unresponsive faces a crew member can look into after attending the umpteenth false alarm request for assistance from someone who doesnt seem to know what a call bell is before they start losing the will to live. If youve ever wondered why its taken so long for the meal service to reach your seat halfway to the back of the cabin you may now have part of your answer. Appreciating this commonly occurring phenomena of never ending musical call bells, that 9 passengers out of 10 deny on their dear mothers heart having pushed, its also worth noting that pushing your call bell for something relatively non life threatening while the service is in full flow and the crew are running around like headless chickens trying to keep up with passenger requests and the actual main service delivery, but then ignoring all the crew who pass you in person several times a minute instead of looking up and speaking to them or even making pointed eye contact as they pass you, thus giving the impression that you neither desire anything urgent nor are possibly aware you even have your call bell on, a little patience and understanding can go a long way. Crew love you all deep down, because beneath the sleep deprivation, jet lag, disorientated confusion and general mental and emotional chaos that long haul flying induces, without you none of us would have this entirely dysfunctional, health battering, social and family life straining but utterly wonderful addictive and unique job that we do so they will usually do anything they can for their passengers but there are limits to what 12 sleep deprived stewards trapped in a giant toilet roll floating halfway across the ocean with 200-500 sardine packed passengers can accomplish. This is all good and amusing advice for anyone flying but some of the items in this post must be things that only happen in America. Bless that country for all it has to offer but isnt that always the way. Only in America, god love them. Metaphorically obviously, what with god being a fictional character but the sentiment stands.
Posted on: Sun, 22 Jun 2014 16:17:14 +0000
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