Click here to have the Fiver sent to your inbox every weekday at 5pm, or if your usual copy has stopped arrivingDIYThe Fiver has always believed that subtlety is unnecessary. When we go to them foreign countries and our stomach is groaning like a yawning sea monster, we bellow DOUBLE WHOPPER MEAL, NO GHERKINS, YEAH? at the nearest person. When we see a potential Fiverette, we fix her with a bulbous-eyed, dead-faced stare that makes it abundantly clear we want to make beautiful little Fivers, and when we have an accident at work we simply scream WAHHHHHHHHHHH until somebody arrives with a mop.So we were pretty impressed with todays news of a plan about as subtle as Gareth Keenans sledgehammer, in which a team reportedly scored eight own goals in 10 minutes during a regional cup match. Frank Sinclair, Wes Brown and Jamie Carragher cant see what all the fuss is about, but elsewhere the MF word has been tentatively mentioned. Its a good job it didnt happen in Italy or people would have been really suspicious.Oh. What happened was this. Bagheria needed to draw against Borgata Terrenove to get through their three-team Coppa Sicilia group in a regional match in Italy. When they went 6-3 down with 10 minutes to go, they started hoofing the ball into their own net. It seems this was not a case of bribery but good old-fashioned pettiness and spite. By scoring eight own goals, Bagheria ensured Borgata qualified on goal difference ahead of Partinicaudace. Confused? Splendid, now lie down on the couch, relax your shoulders and tell us about mother.I can guarantee there was no agreement between us and Bagheria, said Giovanni Cammarata, who is reported as being the coach of Partinicaudace but must surely be the coach of Bagheria given the nature of his comment. After all why would Partinicaudace have to deny having an agreement with Bagheria? Were confused now LOOK WE DONT WANT TO MAKE LITTLE FIVERS WITH MOTHER FIVER OK.Sandro Morgana, the regional president of the Italian football federation, has got his best men on the case. I will personally inform our prosecutors about this, he said without any self-importance whatsoever, and they will look into the case and establish which sanctions should apply. Whether that could be fines, bans or even a stint in the clink is unclear. One thing is clear, though: the Bagheria players really didnt think this through, did they?QUOTE OF THE DAYIt took me a long time to understand the song they sing about me, that it was not them trying to bully me. People explained to me that it was more an expression of love – Per Mertesacker explains how hes now on board with Arsenal fans Big [Effing] German chant in this exclusive chat with David Hytner.FIVER LETTERSSo, apparently, a man in India has travelled 1,056 miles for a bogus prize. A true pedant would have gone the extra mile to counteract the hoax – Josh Cryer.Re: (Adrian) Chiles play (yesterdays Fiver). As your example of an ITV viewer who emailed in their request for a fiver, and the Fiver apparently emailed in a request for a fiver – both of which should be ignored. Your own journalism stated: … any viewers that hadnt fallen asleep to write him a letter and hed send them £5. Note the word letter not email. No apologies for being a pedantic so and so – Simon Burke.Adrian Chiles has joined the pantheon of cultural celebrity forces who can single-handedly change our language. Before his flippant televisual comment, the use of the term fiver signified an unfunny, tea-timely email. Now, it just refers to anything unfunny. And slightly lumpy – Mike Wilner (and others).As a counterbalance to this infernal Wetherspoons love-in (Fiver letters passim), here is some traditional Fiver letters hyperbole: JD and his homogenised quaff barns are to drinking what Sepp and his global monstrosity are to football. Both have taken a traditional pastime from the control of local communities/countries and smilingly sold it back to them in the form of sterilised omniscience. Theyre zookeepers whove dressed all their animals up to look like lions because, well, everybody likes lions, dont they? – Richard Robinson.• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian. And if youve nothing better to do you can also tweet the Fiver. Todays winner of our prizeless letter o the day is: Josh Cryer.JOIN GUARDIAN SOULMATESWe keep trying to point out the utter futility of advertising an online dating service for interesting people in the Fiver to the naive folk who run Guardian Soulmates, but they still arent having any of it. So here you go – sign up here to view profiles of the kind of erudite, sociable and friendly romantics who would never dream of going out with you.BITS AND BOBSFranck Ribéry is doubtful for Bayern Munichs Big Cup first leg against Arsenal on 19 February due to a nasty case of … wait for it, youre going to like this one … burst-blood-vessel-in-the-tail knack! Surgery became necessary at short notice because bruising associated with the damage was affecting a nerve, said a bummed club suit.Manchester Uniteds Nemanja Vidic has decided to do one before David Moyess wobbly Jenga tower falls over. It was something that we all mutually agreed together, wept the United boss.The ref who sent Him off for standing near Athletic Bilbaos Carlos Gurpegui has been handed a months hobby-time by the Spanish FA, though His three-match ban has still been upheld.Newcastle reserve boss Willie Donachie has resigned after allegedly giving 19-year-old defender Remie Street a close-up view of his knuckles.Ajax boss Frank de Boer has fluttered his eyelashes at Liverpool and Spurs. Those are clubs that I think in the future I could be a manager of. I think the history of the clubs and what you can do with the team is my cup of tea, he milk-and-two-sugared.And good news for Adam Johnsons empty mantelpiece: hes won the Premier League player of the month award.STILL WANT MORE?Rob Smyth and Paul Doyle picked out 10 things to look out for in the Premier League this weekend so you dont have to.Blackeye Rovers goalkeeper Paul Robinson actually had a black eye in this interview with Andy Hunter, in which he recalls how he is enjoying football more than ever after a brush with death.The Gentleman Ultra dons his cravat and profiles Catania. His verdict? Violent, beautiful and loud.The modern football lover can embrace stats without ruining the romance of the game, coos Sanjit Atwal.Oh, and if its your thing, you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace.SIGN UP TO THE FIVER (AND O FIVERÃO)Want your very own copy of our free tea-timely(ish) email sent direct to your inbox? Has your regular copy stopped arriving? Click here to sign up. And you can also now receive our weekly World Cup email, O Fiverão; this is the first edition, and you can sign up for it here.HOW CAN AN AIR BOAT BE SELFISH?Rob Smyththeguardian © 2014 Guardian News and Media Limited or its affiliated companies. All rights reserved. | Use of this content is subject to our Terms & Conditions | More Feeds
Posted on: Fri, 07 Feb 2014 16:12:50 +0000
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